That being said, I quit my job. Predicting the future with those horoscopes was exhausting. In the words of poet laureate, Raven Symone,
" You could gaze into the future // You might think life would be a breeze // Seeing trouble from a distance // But then it's not that easy "
No, it's not easy. And I didn't hire myself for things to be hard. I hired myself so I could relate to women in romantic comedies trying to have it all. But don't worry people! Just because my new job is easier for me, it will still add approx. 1,000 blessings to your life. I present to you...
Important: It should be noted that my evaluation of Presidential hopefuls is based entirely off of their "bad boy-ness". You see, as a woman, I am completely incapable of resisting anyone who seems like he might drive a motorcycle/wear a leather jacket/be mean to me because it's the only way he knows how to show love. Besides, we haven't had a true bad boy president since Taft - maybe even since Filmore. For those of you who are thinking, "but what about the female candidates??" Don't worry. I'll get to them. But only after I get to the men because history.
No. And it wasn’t because of the embarrassingly low approval ratings. It was because he needed to focus all of his energy on making women swoon/intimidating lesser men across the globe.
Martin O'Malley!!! The rock and roll governor!!! Maryland!!! It's hard not to get excited about O'Malley. He's young (helloooo Mr. Under 60), he's attractive, and he acted in a John Travolta film. I won't say which one, but I won't say it wasn't Look Who's Talking. Ok, it wasn't that. But anyway, I'm sad to say that O'Malley couldn't manage to live up to his own bad boy hype.
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SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.1 : POLITICAL EXPERT
Important: It should be noted that my evaluation of Presidential hopefuls is based entirely off of their "bad boy-ness". You see, as a woman, I am completely incapable of resisting anyone who seems like he might drive a motorcycle/wear a leather jacket/be mean to me because it's the only way he knows how to show love. Besides, we haven't had a true bad boy president since Taft - maybe even since Filmore. For those of you who are thinking, "but what about the female candidates??" Don't worry. I'll get to them. But only after I get to the men because history.
First up, we have
THE BAD BOYS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
Former Governor
Lincoln Chafee
 |
| Chafee flaunting a notorious gang sign in public because he can |
State: Rhode Island
Age: 62
Lincoln Chafee (yes, that’s his name, DEAL WITH IT HILLARY) is
my second favorite for the democratic candidacy. His gubernatorial career created the sexy, dangerous Rhode Island we all know and love. The NRA may
have given him an “F” but Lincoln Chafee doesn’t care about grades. The guy
went to horsehoeing school and they don’t even have grades there so HA.
His Name Is Lincoln
And He Loves To Party:
As of 2013, the ex-governor has been a member of the
Republican, the Independent, and (most recently) the Democratic Party. He is projected to join Aaron’s Party by the
year 2017.
Did He Run For A
Second Term As Governor:
No. And it wasn’t because of the embarrassingly low approval ratings. It was because he needed to focus all of his energy on making women swoon/intimidating lesser men across the globe.
Only Drawback:
The name “Lincoln Chafee” is undeniably silly. However, like
all Rhode Islanders, his parents were just following the legislation that
requires all children to be named after 1) their father’s first car and 2)
their mother’s first pet.
Former Governor
Martin O’Malley
 |
| O'Malley doesn't need your approval or shirt sleeves. |
State: Maryland
Age: 52
The Set Up:
Since 1998, O’Malley has been a member of a Celtic Rock Band
– which, apparently, do exist – named “O’Malley’s March.” The governor gets
major bad boy points for both the coolness of being in a rock group and the
douchiness of naming it after himself. So awesome. Plus, he's the lead singer and guitarist for the
band.
The Let Down:
He is the lead singer, the guitarist, and the banjo player for his band. For his “rock
and roll” band he plays the banjo. Bad boy points redacted. Go home Martin.
Former US Senator Jim
Webb
 |
| Jim Webb tried to care once. But then, oh yeah, he remembered he was Jim Webb. |
State: VA
Age: 69 (hehehehe)
Jim Webb isn’t just another bad boy of the democratic party
– he is THE bad boy of the democratic party. He is the one true bad ass. But, in the words of Nobel Prize winner, LeVar Burton, "You don’t have to take my word
for it."
Ask His Woman:
who is 22 years younger than him. Throughout history, dating
younger women has been a staple of the bad boy lifestyle. Just look at George
Clooney, Hugh Hefner, and – the baddest of all - Woody Allen.
Ask His Black Friend:
who is definitely real and agrees with him on things like not
taking down the Confederate Flag. You know it’s a real black guy and not just
someone Jim made up because he says they were talking in a barbershop. Where black guys exist. Obviously.
Ask His Political
Aide:
who is probably still in awe of the Senator's classic practical joke. In 2007, this aide was arrested for carrying a briefcase
of Webb’s with a loaded pistol into the senate office building. Here’s the
punchline: the aide didn’t know it was in there!!!!!! That prank is both
dangerous and hilarious. I should say that Webb never officially came out and said it was a joke, but if that just happened that would be so incredibly dumb and so bizarrely awful I would wonder why this guy was even thinking of running for President....So hahaha good joke Jimmy!
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Get ready for the next Serious Blog about another serious political party with some serious bad boys. That's right, I'm talking about the Republicans. And let me tell you, these candidates are so bad I'm rating the next post GOPG-13!!! OOOHHH!! (but seriously with writing like this how does no one else want to hire me)
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