Rapist Refuses To Be Defined By 20 Minutes Of Swimming

By Caroline Drew 

"I'm so much more than this."

These are the words of area man and known rapist - Jim Erikson - who, last week, was found guilty of swimming in a pond near his place of residence. Though there is no way to know how long exactly he swam, medical reports judge that his body was intentionally submerged for at least 20 minutes. 

Erikson was found by two out-of-town bikers. One commented, "There he was, in the water. Smiling and doing the backstroke. It made me want to throw up." 

Naturally, other members of the community had similar reactions.  The act of swimming has long been considered an offense against basic humanity (what are we, fish people?) and many are calling for Erikson's imprisonment. 

Others, however, are wary of passing judgement, largely due to Erikson's impressive raping record. 

Prior to the shameful act of swimming, Erikson was one of the area's premier rapists. In the past year alone, his assault victims include 40 women, 11 men, 3 dogs, and at least 1 birdhouse.  Erikson is also known for being particularly vicious and cruel in his attacks, an attribute which has lead to him being gifted a key to the city, as well as being named King of the "Grope Float" in the 4th of July parade. 

But is any of this enough to eclipse the fact that he has been convicted in a court of law for swimming - an act that only the most base and vile of humankind are willing to commit? 

Erikson's father, George Erikson, recently took to the internet to defend his now humiliated son, "20 years of doing some of the best raping this town has ever seen and this is how he's treated? No. He's lived too good a life - raped too many people - and I won't stand for it." 

Strong words from an impassioned father. But the logic remains that regardless of whether one swims for 20 minutes or for 20 years, you swam. And no amount of non-consensual sex can change that.