Dear Humans: A Letter From The Dog Who Learned How To Read

Hello serious readers. It's time for another edition of the Serious Blog. Unlike other posts, I will not be your guide into the serious today. Instead, I will be serving as facilitator between you, my serious audience, and Max, my serious contributor.

Who is Max? Max is the dog who learned how to read. However, Max is not exactly happy with what he found in the written world of man. But I'll let him speak for himself. I now present to you,

"DEAR HUMANS: A LETTER FROM THE DOG WHO LEARNED HOW TO READ"

Dear humans, 

It's me, Max, the dog who learned how to read. I'm sure you're all very curious about how I was able to overcome my illiteracy unlike all of my canine brothers and sisters before me), but I feel that there is a more pressing matter at hand. 

The matter in question is the treatment of dogs in human literature. 

Humans, I ask you now plainly: WHY DO YOU HATE DOGS? 

Because you must hate us. There's no other explanation for the injuries we've been subjected to in the many titles - acclaimed ones even - which feature a canine character. To prove my point, I've arranged some of my reviews of your beloved dog publications here. Ahem. 

Old Yeller

As I recall, the story goes like this: Dad leaves family; Dog comes to family; Boy is ungrateful of Dog's love; Boy finally starts to appreciate Dog's love; Dog saves family from wolf; Dog is sick because of aforementioned act of bravery and self-sacrifice; Boy shoots Dog in face. 

Love That Dog

This title was deceiving as it implies that the Dog is the object of love in this story and not the object of the total destruction of his existence. I will admit that the Boy in this novella does appear to truly love his Dog. But that wasn't enough for our author. Rather, she thought to herself "Hm. I've got a great story here with the boy and the dog and mutual affection, but what could really make this book for third graders a best seller?" Surprise! The answer was KILLING THE DOG. And you know what? It was a best seller. 

The Art of Racing in the Rain 

I really thought this one was going to be different. The bulk of the novel is spent detailing all awful things which happen to the Humans for a change with the Dog playing the respectable counterpart of supportive and loving companion. The book was even told from the Dog's point of view. How progressive!

But does he get to live? Not a chance. He dies. And according to this author, he's planning on reincarnating as a human. Because he's Buddhist. Just to clarify, covering up your litricide (genocide in literature) with belief systems does not work. And it doesn't make sense. If anything, we dogs are Hasidic. Or Mormon. 

Marley and Me

Ah yes, the memoir of the bunch. The author remembers how the Dog helps to shape and nurture his most important relationships and life events before DYING a HUMILIATING DEATH of which the author spares NO DETAIL. If dogs do reincarnate, Marley is going to come back as a bigger man than this author and hit him square in the nose. 

Sounder 

Dog Death. 

Red Dog 

Dog Death. 

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime 

Dog Death (Note: this has just been adapted for Broadway. I'm sure the musical numbers are thrilling). 

Where the Red Fern Grows and Call of the Wild 

Multiple Dog Death. 

A Dog's Purpose 

More Dog reincarnation leading to multiple deaths of one Dog. 

And finally, Dog Heaven 

A picture book to make children feel better about the dog death they're sure to encounter in thousands of other books during their lifetime. 

On behalf of dogs everywhere, I would like to know what our breed did to deserve these lethal roles. Furthermore, I would like to request that all of the above publications be banned for insensitivity and misrepresentation. Oh, and you can go ahead and ban The Poky Puppy as well. That one is just plain insulting. 

Sincerely, Max (the Dog who's learned how to read)