Self-Employed, Vol. 3

Well people, the unthinkable happened: someone else hired me. Actually, a few someone elses hired me. Don't be intimidated, but you are now reading the words of a babysitter/temp worker/after-school-care-employee EXTRAORDINAIRE. In the words of Hallmark greeting cards, "When God closes a door, He hires you for part-time jobs."

I  know what you're all thinking: "Wow, Miley Cyrus really told Taylor Swift off in that Marie Claire interview. What does this mean for Ed Sheeran???" 

But that's not really what this blog is about. It's about me and how I hire myself to do really important jobs that make the world a better place. And I'm not going to quit doing it just because these other jobs pay me with money and get me out of the apartment or WHATEVER. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 3: 

OFFICIAL NYC TOUR GUIDE

Ah, New York City. Who doesn't dream of visiting this urban paradise? If you're one of the trillion people (that's an accurate statistic) who will visit the city this year, you may only have a few days to swing around the concrete jungle. That's why I, Caroline Drew - your official guide to the Big Apple - am here to share the best and most beloved spots of NYC. 

Spot 1: The Sidewalk

This cemented walking platform ( nicknamed the "Sidewalk" by Rudy Giuliani in '96) is a MUST SEE. It's got everything from discarded cigarettes to homeless people. Pro tip: sometimes the Sidewalk stops and you have to step onto another walking platform (the "Street") but have no fear - Another piece of cement heaven is just a few steps away! 

Spot 2: The Tree In A Box

Some less official (and less pretty) tour guides might send you to the Metropolitan Museum of Art or the MOMA, but that's because they hate you. True New York Art cannot be contained by a building. It can, however, be contained by a box made of wooden planks. Just think about the skill it took to make such a piece! Paris has the Mona Lisa. Florence has the David. And New York City has "The Tree In A Box." (Note: TTIAB was constructed in 1603 by the ancestors of Frank Sinatra). 

Spot 3: This Place

Nothing says "Big Apple" like pills, dolphins, and induced sleep. Frequented by the Yankees, Lorne Michaels, and old Italian guys who work in pizza shops, this place will not disappoint...but it will make you go dream. 

Spot 4: Heels On Wheels

New York is famous for it's night life and there is no club more exciting, or more exclusive, than "Heels on Wheels." Located next to The Sidewalk, this club hosts raging dance parties in the bed of a truck that once belonged to Jackie O. Pro Tip: you MUST wear heels to be admitted and make sure to arrive early! There is only space for 12, maybe 13, guests. 

Spot 5: Curly Headed Guy

This is less of a "spot" and more of a "spotting." Forget what you heard about Jay-Z or FDR or rats on the subway - Curly Headed Guy is THE New Yorker. Rumor has it that if you're lucky enough to find this spiral-haired legend you will be granted 7 years of luck and all of your instagrams will get at least 10000 likes. As you can see in the above photo, I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the only other New Yorker who might be able to rival Curly Headed Guy's celebrity status: Curly Headed Guy's Girlfriend. She is like Curly Headed Guy, but with darker curls and lady parts. 

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That's all for today people! Come back next time for more serious writing on this most serious of blogs.