The Pros And Cons Of Columbus

Happy Columbus Day people!

That's right - what used to be everyone's 4th favorite day of the year (or 5th, depending on how you feel about Arbor Day) is back. Now, the reason I say "used to be" is because recently there's been a lot of buzz about how maybe we shouldn't be celebrating that spunky Spanish adventurer who is credited with finding the Americas before any other white guy. 

This is a serious issue and a serious argument; ergo, I had no choice but to look into the matter for my readers. Sure, our country is dealing with issues of gun violence, natural disasters and an upcoming presidential election, but what could be MORE deserving of our attention than this? I mean, it's a holiday. Kids get off school for this. The DMV is closed. Macy's is probably having a sale for God's sake. And I happen to know for a FACT that we in the United States never, EVER celebrate the memory of any other questionable historical figures. So, should we celebrate Señor Colombo? There's only one way to figure out. I present to you, 

THE PRO AND CON LIST OF
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS*.

(NOTE: For anyone who says "a pro and con list? But this is serious!" I'll have you know that the pro and con list method was behind such important decisions as the separation of Church and State, the 19th amendment, and the continuation of Law and Order:SVU to at least 1000 seasons. So hush.)

The Cons:

1) He was really bad at saying "thank you." For example, when the Santa Maria was shipwrecked at what is now the Bahamas, the natives worked tirelessly to save Columbus and his crew and cargo. Obviously, Columbus wanted to express his gratitude - the guy wasn't a monster - but he got confused. Instead of giving them a fruit basket or a tip of his funny hat, he went on to brutally attack and terrorize their villages for years. Oops!

2) He thought the land he had found was the "Indies" as evidenced by his referring to the natives as "Indians." I think I speak for every American who has ever been or will be when I say, WHAT THE CAPITAL F, MR COLUMBUS??? I know this all happened centuries before the Untied States existed, but still. BUT STILL. How dare he, he with his inability to see into the future, pre-misrepresent our country??? I don't care that he's dead - Toby Keith will be hearing about this and oh buddy, just you wait for the song that's coming your way. 

3) He was not - I repeat he was not - the first white guy to find the Americas. That title actually belongs to Leif Erikson who got there 500 years before ole' Colombo. As someone who knows a lot of white guys, I feel personally offended by this. Columbus can't just go around claiming other white men's legacies! What will the history books say next? That Columbus was the first to fly a plane?  The first to develop the Polio vaccine? The first to run his dad's hedge fund? I DON'T THINK SO. 

The Pros: 

1) That rhyme with his name is pretty catchy. Plus, it's got to be the only reason any of us ever talk about the year 1492. 

2) He, well, he tried - no that's bad too. Okay, I can do this. The second voyage....no, that wasn't great....or maybe.....hmmm...OH! Alright, I've got it! He wasn't Hitler. Good job Columbus. Good job on not being Hitler. 

Conclusion: 

I don't know, people. I hate to get rid of any day that is the direct cause of 15% discounts on sleek and chic Macy's apparel, but I don't really see any way out of this. Columbus seems like a bad guy and not in a casual, ambiguous, John Mayer sort of way, but in a very obvious, imperialistic-slave-master kind of way. I mean, just look at this picture. Even Columbus seemed to know he was as bad guy. 

Remember, that's not a photo from a camera; that's a painting. So when the artist said, "Okay make the face you want to be remembered for," Columbus said, "Oh, I know just the one."