Self-Employed, Vol.1

People, I come to you today with some exciting news. You know how my parents paid upwards of 200k for my college education? And you know how I'm still at home with no job? Well, today is the day that all changes. After getting totally inspired (and, let's be honest, a little turned on) from perusing Donald  Trump's twitter page, it occurred to me that I don't need to wait around for someone to give me some sort of hand-out employment. This is America! The Donald says we need to create jobs for Americans! I'm an American AND I'm almost positive by "we" he specifically meant me and himself. Game on, DT, game on. 

(side-note: When is Charles Shultz going to green-light the "It's the Great Trumpkin, Charlie Brown" project America is begging for?) 

That's right people. I've decided to employ myself. The pay isn't great (see: nonexistent) but I'm allowed to work in the bath and my boss is a total babe. Plus, the first job I've hired myself to do is not only fulfilling for me, it's a service for you as well. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 1 : HOROSCOPIST. 

Gemini: The stars are in your favor! You will hit every red light on the way home from work, but you won't make eye contact with anyone you used to go to high school with. 

Aries: OoOOo you'll think that you found yourself a cheerleader...but surprise! She's actually a member of the Color Guard. Tread lightly. 

Taurus: You'll change your name to Katie Couric because it's just so darn fun to say. 

 Virgo: You'll finally admit to your friends that you never watched Breaking Bad and you never will!!!!!

Cancer: Your horoscope sign is Cancer. Spoiler alert: it always looks bad for you. 

Libra: Uh oh, looks likes Grandma's email forwards were right -- since same-sex marriage is now legal in the US you'll be one of many straight Americans forced to be gay-married and live in San Franciso. 

Leo: Get ready for fun! This month, you'll go an anti-vaccine-adventure with Jim Carrey in which the two of you replace the helpful, disease preventing substances in vaccines with maple syrup. 

Scorpio: No one will post a photo with the caption "#cheatday" on your instagram feed AND YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL. 

Sagittarius: You'll try online dating, but not because you need it or anything. It's honestly, like, a joke to you, you're not lonely, single life is great. Shut up, Mom. 

Capricorn: Life will literally give you lemons and I swear to God you better not do something dumb like "make a gin and tonic" or "throw them at people." This is not some stupid joke. This is not a wooden sign hanging up at a beach house. Do the right thing and make the damn lemonade. 

Aquarius: The only YouTube ad you'll watch this month will be 'Dave from State Farm'. In other words, the stars love you. 

Pisces: You'll remember Shel Silverstein is dead and feel kind of sad about it for an afternoon. 

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That's all for today. I'll see you next time on "Self-Employed: Volume 2." Unless, of course, someone else decides to employ me and - hahahahaha oh man, sorry about that. Just a little practical joke, can't help myself.