On Monday, I hired myself as a Political Expert. I then used my expertise to comment on the current presidential candidates for the Democratic party. Today I will be moving on to the Republicans and the Women. I present to you...
* * *
SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.2 : POLITICAL EXPERT
Important: As I said in the last post, I am basing my evaluations of Presidential hopefuls entirely off of their potential "bad boy-ness." For more information on this read the disclaimer in my last post (evaluation explanation).
THE BAD BOYS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
US Senator Lindsey
Graham
Age: 60
State: South Carolina
 |
| Lindsey Graham isn't smiling. He's showing the teeth he uses to eat democrats for breakfast. |
When I saw there was a 'Lindsey' running for President, I thought, "Oh great. Another woman." And it's not that I don't think a woman could be president. It's just that I think they make much better kindergarten teachers.
Something He Actually Said That Could Have Just As Easily Been A Line From An Action Movie With Lots Of Explosions/Fight Scenes:
"[If I'm president and someone joins ISIS] I wouldn't call a judge. I"m gonna call a drone and we will kill you." (After saying this, the bald eagle that sits on Graham's right shoulder nodded in approval and said, 'damn straight').
What's The Most Bad Boy Nickname In The World:
It's not Juicy J, I'll tell you that much. And while we're at it - Juicy J, change your nickname. You sound like a stripper/chewing gum. The correct answer is Graham's nickname which is "Warhawk." That is not a nickname normal people get. That's a nickname you get when you are a pilot with Tom Cruise and the rest of the volleyball team.
His Response To The Hillary Email Scandal:
The Warhawk (as I will always refer to him from now on) said that he would be happy to release all of his emails because he has literally never sent a single email in his entire life. Sure, to not use the main form of professional communication is, well, unprofessional, but, you know who else doesn't use email? My grandfather. Paul Bunyan. The Liberty Bell.
Former Governor
George Pataki
Age: 70
State: New York
ATTN: The ex-governor is not a bad boy and therefore is not a valid candidate for the President of the United States. However, he is such a disappointment that I am including him as an example of who NOT to vote for. He is more of a disappointment than Pitch Perfect 2. He is more of a disappointment than I am to my parents. He is the worst and here's why.
 |
| This is not the face of a bad boy. This is the face of someone who is thinking about the dog they had that got run over by a drunk mailman. Hold it together, Pataki, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US. |
Nerd Alert:
He went to "Yale" on an "academic scholarship" and graduated "early." I put all that in quotes because there's not currently punctuation to show how much something annoys you.
New York Is A Safer State Because Of Him:
When he was elected, NY was the 6th most dangerous (aka 6th most awesome) state in the nation. By the time he left in 2006, New York had been degraded to the 7th safest (aka 7th uncoolest) state. So thanks a lot, Pataki! You made New York lame!
He Sullied The Pataki Name:
 |
| (what Helga would do to George if she ever met him) |
If there was ever a girl who exuded bad boy-ness it was Helga Pataki. She punched a guy in the face on a regular basis and never bothered to shave her unibrow simply because she didn't feel like it. She is everything George is not and he doesn't deserve to share her surname!!!
Governor Scott Walker
Age: 47
State: Wisconsin
 |
| Someone asked Scott Walker if he was worried about Jeb Bush. Scott Walker preceded to laugh like this for 20 minutes. |
Though it pains me to say it, Donald Trump is not the true bad boy of the Republican primaries. That title belongs to none other than Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Why? For starters, and I'm not making this up, for four years he led summer campaigns via a motorcyle tour called "The Executive Ride." That is real. More importantly, Scott Walker is a candidate who just does. not. care. He gives zero bucks (Wisconsin humor, nailed it).
He Doesn't Care About...
school. Scott Walker is running for President of the United States and he does not have a college degree. And if you think he cared about school before he dropped out, jokes on you, because when he left his GPA was scored at an impressively nonchalant 2.6. Suck it Pataki.
He Doesn't Care About...
losing. Here is a scientific fact - I have never lived in a world that allows Scott Walker to lose. That's right, since 1990 the Governor has not lost a single political race.
...He's dropped out of some, but that's not the same as losing. It is the same as quitting, but quitting is cool. Like The Arctic Monkeys or smoking cigarettes.
He Doesn't Care About...(and if you're going to read anything about Walker this should be it)
terrorists. In 2012, a faction of ungrateful Wisconsinites attempted to recall Walker. They failed - le duh - but their efforts did manage to gain some traction. At it's peak, the recall effort resulted in 100,000 people gathered at the state capitol in protest of the Governor's reign. In 2015, Walker referenced this experience when discussing international terrorism, saying, "If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world." Because if there is anything we know to be true it's that ISIS, though scary, is nothing compared a bunch of non-violent protestors from Wisconsin.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S (SECOND) FAVORITES:
THE FEMALE CANDIDATES!
 |
| Carly Fiorina, Businesswoman |
 |
| Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton's Wife |
Since women can't technically be bad boys I am unable to endorse either of these candidates. And yes, they're in different political parties, but we all know that if two women are in a coed competition it's only fair if they are directly and exclusively compared only to each other. Therefore, I've come up with this helpful graph to evaluate Florin and Clinton (but seriously this just a little fun I'm having here. As with football coaches, firemen, and the all-state commercial guy, the role of president should always be filled by a man. But back to the fun!!):
click on graph for a larger view
* * *
I hope reading this has been a serious experience for you. If you're looking for more serious and don't have time to watch The Wire, make sure to come back for Self-Employed, Volume 3.
No comments:
Post a Comment