Self-Employed, Vol. 2.1

Let me just start this off by saying that I am not a quitter. If anything, I'm a completer. I'm a champion. I'm a see-it-to-the-end-clear-eyes-full-house-uncle-jesse-we-are-marshall kind of gal.

That being said, I quit my job. Predicting the future with those horoscopes was exhausting.  In the words of poet laureate, Raven Symone, 

" You could gaze into the future // You might think life would be a breeze // Seeing trouble from a distance // But then it's not that easy "

No, it's not easy. And I didn't hire myself for things to be hard. I hired myself so I could relate to women in romantic comedies trying to have it all. But don't worry people! Just because my new job is easier for me, it will still add approx. 1,000 blessings to your life. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.1 : POLITICAL EXPERT 

Important: It should be noted that my evaluation of Presidential hopefuls is based entirely off of their "bad boy-ness". You see, as a woman, I am completely incapable of resisting anyone who seems like he might drive a motorcycle/wear a leather jacket/be mean to me because it's the only way he knows how to show love. Besides, we haven't had a true bad boy president since Taft - maybe even since Filmore. For those of you who are thinking, "but what about the female candidates??" Don't worry. I'll get to them. But only after I get to the men because history. 

First up, we have 

THE BAD BOYS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. 

Former Governor Lincoln Chafee

Chafee flaunting a notorious gang sign in public because he can

State: Rhode Island

Age: 62

Lincoln Chafee (yes, that’s his name, DEAL WITH IT HILLARY) is my second favorite for the democratic candidacy.  His gubernatorial career created the sexy, dangerous Rhode Island we all know and love. The NRA may have given him an “F” but Lincoln Chafee doesn’t care about grades. The guy went to horsehoeing school and they don’t even have grades there so HA. 

His Name Is Lincoln And He Loves To Party:

As of 2013, the ex-governor has been a member of the Republican, the Independent, and (most recently) the Democratic Party.  He is projected to join Aaron’s Party by the year 2017.  

Did He Run For A Second Term As Governor:

No. And it wasn’t because of the embarrassingly low approval ratings. It was because he needed to focus all of his energy on making women swoon/intimidating lesser men across the globe.

Only Drawback:

The name “Lincoln Chafee” is undeniably silly. However, like all Rhode Islanders, his parents were just following the legislation that requires all children to be named after 1) their father’s first car and 2) their mother’s first pet.

Former Governor Martin O’Malley

O'Malley doesn't need your approval or shirt sleeves. 

State: Maryland

Age: 52

Martin O'Malley!!! The rock and roll governor!!! Maryland!!! It's hard not to get excited about O'Malley. He's young (helloooo Mr. Under 60), he's attractive, and he acted in a John Travolta film. I won't say which one, but I won't say it wasn't Look Who's Talking. Ok, it wasn't that. But anyway, I'm sad to say that O'Malley couldn't manage to live up to his own bad boy hype. 

The Set Up:

Since 1998, O’Malley has been a member of a Celtic Rock Band – which, apparently, do exist – named “O’Malley’s March.” The governor gets major bad boy points for both the coolness of being in a rock group and the douchiness of naming it after himself. So awesome.  Plus, he's the lead singer and guitarist for the band.

The Let Down:

He is the lead singer, the guitarist, and the banjo player for his band. For his “rock and roll” band he plays the banjo. Bad boy points redacted. Go home Martin.

Former US Senator Jim Webb

Jim Webb tried to care once. But then,
oh yeah, he remembered he was Jim Webb.

State: VA

Age: 69 (hehehehe)

Jim Webb isn’t just another bad boy of the democratic party – he is THE bad boy of the democratic party. He is the one true bad ass. But, in the words of Nobel Prize winner, LeVar Burton, "You don’t have to take my word for it."

Ask His Woman:

who is 22 years younger than him. Throughout history, dating younger women has been a staple of the bad boy lifestyle. Just look at George Clooney, Hugh Hefner, and – the baddest of all - Woody Allen.

Ask His Black Friend:

who is definitely real and agrees with him on things like not taking down the Confederate Flag. You know it’s a real black guy and not just someone Jim made up because he says they were talking in a barbershop.  Where black guys exist. Obviously.

Ask His Political Aide:

who is probably still in awe of the Senator's classic practical joke.  In 2007, this aide was arrested for carrying a briefcase of Webb’s with a loaded pistol into the senate office building. Here’s the punchline: the aide didn’t know it was in there!!!!!! That prank is both dangerous and hilarious. I should say that Webb never officially came out and said it was a joke, but if that just happened that would be so incredibly dumb and so bizarrely awful I would wonder why this guy was even thinking of running for President....So hahaha good joke Jimmy! 

* * *

Get ready for the next Serious Blog about another serious political party with some serious bad boys. That's right, I'm talking about the Republicans. And let me tell you, these candidates are so bad I'm rating the next post GOPG-13!!! OOOHHH!! (but seriously with writing like this how does no one else want to hire me)

Self-Employed, Vol.1

People, I come to you today with some exciting news. You know how my parents paid upwards of 200k for my college education? And you know how I'm still at home with no job? Well, today is the day that all changes. After getting totally inspired (and, let's be honest, a little turned on) from perusing Donald  Trump's twitter page, it occurred to me that I don't need to wait around for someone to give me some sort of hand-out employment. This is America! The Donald says we need to create jobs for Americans! I'm an American AND I'm almost positive by "we" he specifically meant me and himself. Game on, DT, game on. 

(side-note: When is Charles Shultz going to green-light the "It's the Great Trumpkin, Charlie Brown" project America is begging for?) 

That's right people. I've decided to employ myself. The pay isn't great (see: nonexistent) but I'm allowed to work in the bath and my boss is a total babe. Plus, the first job I've hired myself to do is not only fulfilling for me, it's a service for you as well. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 1 : HOROSCOPIST. 

Gemini: The stars are in your favor! You will hit every red light on the way home from work, but you won't make eye contact with anyone you used to go to high school with. 

Aries: OoOOo you'll think that you found yourself a cheerleader...but surprise! She's actually a member of the Color Guard. Tread lightly. 

Taurus: You'll change your name to Katie Couric because it's just so darn fun to say. 

 Virgo: You'll finally admit to your friends that you never watched Breaking Bad and you never will!!!!!

Cancer: Your horoscope sign is Cancer. Spoiler alert: it always looks bad for you. 

Libra: Uh oh, looks likes Grandma's email forwards were right -- since same-sex marriage is now legal in the US you'll be one of many straight Americans forced to be gay-married and live in San Franciso. 

Leo: Get ready for fun! This month, you'll go an anti-vaccine-adventure with Jim Carrey in which the two of you replace the helpful, disease preventing substances in vaccines with maple syrup. 

Scorpio: No one will post a photo with the caption "#cheatday" on your instagram feed AND YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL. 

Sagittarius: You'll try online dating, but not because you need it or anything. It's honestly, like, a joke to you, you're not lonely, single life is great. Shut up, Mom. 

Capricorn: Life will literally give you lemons and I swear to God you better not do something dumb like "make a gin and tonic" or "throw them at people." This is not some stupid joke. This is not a wooden sign hanging up at a beach house. Do the right thing and make the damn lemonade. 

Aquarius: The only YouTube ad you'll watch this month will be 'Dave from State Farm'. In other words, the stars love you. 

Pisces: You'll remember Shel Silverstein is dead and feel kind of sad about it for an afternoon. 

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That's all for today. I'll see you next time on "Self-Employed: Volume 2." Unless, of course, someone else decides to employ me and - hahahahaha oh man, sorry about that. Just a little practical joke, can't help myself.

(Belated) Movie Reviews By A Real, Established Critic Who You Should Respect

INTRODUCTION

Though I don't usually spend hours wandering about the internet while lying in bed and eating chips from a bag (I'm too busy exercising or helping urbanite children), I did happen to find something interesting on the web a few months ago. Timeout.com has published a list entitled "100 Best Comedy Movies." Before reading the rankings, I assumed a condescending confidence. After all, I would have already seen most of the movies because, hello, I am the expert on comedy. Have you heard of Portlandia? I have. 

However, it didn't take long for me to realize that when it came to the great films of comedy, I hadn't seen many of them. In fact, of the 100 movies on the list, I had only seen 18. 

I decided an education was in order. I would watch the entire list and as I did so, I would try to understand why (or, if) these movies deserved to be on the list of the best 100 of all time.  On an unrelated note, if you're looking to justify hours (upon hours, upon hours) of pure entertainment, just tell yourself it's for educational purposes. My conscience has dealt well with this reasoning. 

And now- because you'd rather read my opinions than those some "movie critic" who "does this for a living"- I present to you reviews of some of my favorite (and least favorite) films I've watched thus far from Timeout.com's 100 Best Comedy Movies: 

Note: Timeout's list is NOT a perfect list, in order or in inclusion. No Robin Williams? Please. That being said, the reporters at Timeout do seem to have done their homework and so we will at least give credit for that....but seriously, no Ferris Bueller's Day Off? 

Another Note: here is the list if you're interested in checking it out for yourself  
100 Best Comedy Movies According to Timeout.com

THE REVIEWS 

Animal House
Year: 1978
Timeout ranking: #66
Caroline's Opinion: Deserves to be in top 100, ranking seems right

Importance: Start of the long lasting romance between film and, well, bromance; the unofficial prequel to Old School
Pro: The nicknames which include Otter, Bluto, D-Day and Flounder
Con: I'm a John Belushi fan just as much as the next millennial trying to prove they have good taste, but I had trouble laughing at Bluto. He seemed to be a mix between a caveman who'd been dropped on the head as a child and an alien with a severe drinking problem...it's a real possibility that I was too busy worrying about his genetic makeup to get the humor.
Who should watch this: Anyone who is a supporter of (or, at least, not a total enemy of) fraternity life. It will make you feel like fraternities have a higher purpose and that even if you and your brothers rampage a float called "The Deathmobile" through a town parade, you can still get hired post-grad. 

Caddyshack 
Year: 1980
Timeout ranking: #85
Caroline's Opinion: Ranking should be higher, at least top 50

Importance: Bill Murray improvised all of his lines (including the infamous speech) so now we all have to consider the possibility that he might be a comedy wizard
Pro: It's easily the least boring way to watch golf on screen
Bonus Pro: Rodney Dangerfield vs. the WASPs
Con: If you are a stickler for regular plot structure with clear rising and falling action, this is not the movie for you. This movie is barely motivated by its central conflict (the competition for the caddy scholarship) and is instead propelled by constant silliness and merciless satire. 
Who Should Watch This: Anyone, really, but especially gophers. I don't want to give anything away, but, trust me -- gophers, you will love this. 


Coming To America
Year: 1988
Timeout ranking: #64
Caroline's Opinion: Ranking should probably be higher

Eddie Murphy, I promise 

Importance: The first film I've watched with Eddie Murphy in a starring role which wasn't Dr. Dolitte or Daddy Daycare
Pro: Eddie Murphy playing an old New York Jew
Con: It seems that a lot of critics at the time widely preferred Trading Places to Coming to America with one critic complaining that, "an Eddie Murphy movie would come to this." Dear God, if you're listening, please let that critic watch Dr. Dolittle 2.  
Who Should Watch This: My mom, apparently. I watched Coming to America with good ole Trish and it's probably the only movie with multiple uses of f*** that doesn't make her roll her eyes in disgust before saying "I just don't care for that language. Why do they have to use such foul words? Why not just say fooey or bug guts?"

Wayne's World
Year: 1992
Timeout ranking: #28
Caroline's Opinion: Deserves to be in top 100, ranking seems right

Importance: The stoner comedy that wasn't really a stoner comedy which seems to have paved the way for all the following stoner comedies which were definitely meant to be stoner comedies (if you're high that will make sense)
Pro: The most entertaining opening credits
Con: I'm always a little wary of Saturday Night Lives sketches remade into films. This is most likely because I am terrified of a Gilly movie. Please, SNL, don't make that. 
Who Should Watch This: Boys in middle school or anyone who occasionally enjoys middle school boys' humor 

There's Something About Mary 
Year: 1998
Timeout ranking: #27
Caroline's Opinion: Should not even be ranked

yeah, this is a part of the movie. are you racing to watch it now? 

Importance: Reminder that Matt Dillon exists. 
Pro: It's 119 minutes long which should be just enough time for you to have a nice nap. 
Con(s): The plot was served up as predictable, boring, and obnoxious with a side of boners-stuck-in-zippers jokes. I don't have a problem with low-brow humor, I just have this one requirement that it actually be funny. All of this is not to mention that this movie totally puts a black mark on one of the great actors of our time. Of course, I'm talking about Brett Favre.  It's like those Wrangler commercials never even happened now.  
Who Should Watch This: Die-hard Brett Favre fans who are willing to wait around until the final scene for his cameo. Also, this just in, I've already re-forgotten who Matt Dillon is. 

Rushmore
Year: 1998
Timeout ranking: #29
Caroline's Opinion: Ranking could be a little higher, but I'm ok with it

Importance: "I like your nurse's uniform, guy." "These are OR scrubs." "O, R they?"
Pro: Wes Anderson both wrote and directed this. 
Bonus Pro: Aforementioned potential comedy wizard, Bill Murray. 
Con: It pains me to say that Rushmore, a film I openly adore, was not written by Anderson alone, but was co-authored by none other than Owen Wilson. For some reason I really cannot explain (I've tried for years, trust me) Owen Wilson is someone who truly and deeply annoys me.  I do not like him. I do not like his voice. I do not like his face. I'm not saying it's ugly, I'm just saying I don't like it...so yeah, that's the one con of the movie. 
Who Should Watch This: If you already know you like Wes Anderson movies this one will not disappoint. Also, people who like good movies. They should watch this too. 

This is Spinal Tap
Year: 1984
Timeout ranking: #1
Caroline's Opinion: Not sure if it deserves #1, definitely top 20

Importance: I did my research on this one -- This is Spinal Tap was the first film mockumentary (that Wikipedia knows about)
Pro: The most entertaining ending credits. 
Bonus Pro: the song "Sex Farm."
Con: I shouldn't be allowed to review this movie because there was no way I wouldn't love it. Mockumentary style productions have always been my favorite and this one was done exceptionally well and without any real reference points to base itself off of. If you have a con, let me know. 
Who Should Watch This: Fans of The Office and Summer Heights High. This is the movie you've been waiting for. 

Afterword

I know what you're thinking-- how can I repay Caroline for her insightful critique of film? By telling me what to watch next! Or by telling me your opinion. But I'll warn you now, if your opinion differs with mine, I will have to assume you have suffered mild to severe brain damage because that's the only possible way you could disagree with the above reviews. 

If you will actually suggest a movie from the list for me to watch next, here are the ones I have already seen:

Sister Act (#100), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (#91), Mean Girls (#90), Caddyshack (#85), Galaxy Quest (#84), Bridesmaids (#79), Old School (#76), National Lampoon's Animal House (#66), Elf (#65), Coming To America (#64), The Royal Tenenbaums (#61),  Happy Gilmore  (#59), The Hangover (#57), When Harry Met Sally (#50), Office Space (#45), Napoleon Dynamite (#38), Zoolander (#35), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (#34), The Princess Bride (#31), Rushmore (#29), Wayne's World (#28), There's Something About Mary (#27), Dumb and Dumber (#22), Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (#21), Trading Places (#20), The Big Lebowski (#13), Groundhog Day (#8), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (#6), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (#5), Airplane! (#2), This is Spinal Tap (#1)

My Last Ever Banshees Show aka Read This Feel Because You Feel Bad For Me

Tonight marks my last ever Lilting Banshees show. For those of you who don't know, The Lilting Banshees are a Wake Forest sketch comedy troupe of which I have been a member since 2011. 

What's that? You want to travel back in time so that you can personally experience my beginnings as a Banshee?? Well, that's a little demanding....and impossible...but what I can do is share two key anecdotes here in the written form! HOORAY!!!!!

August 2011 - my first interaction with the Lilting Banshees. 

I was sitting on the quad participating in Wake's annual orientation picnic. While my parents tried to give me some last minute advice about laundry or something, I was busy killing it with all my new Wake friends (this is a definitive fact. Every freshman I met during orientation thought of me as a relatable trend setter who was surprisingly humble for being so pretty). 

Then, out of nowhere, a group of upperclassmen were running through the picnic in animal costumes.    They were yelling and handing out big bright yellow fliers and, naturally, one of these fliers ended up in the hands of Tricia Drew. 

She read the sign and said, "Caroline, it's a comedy group! This could be you next year!" 

To which I responded, "Ugh, Mom, no. Those people are weird." 

I kid you not, that was the exact conversation. Point 1 for Mom. 

September 2011 - my audition for the Lilting Banshees 

There are 2 specific events which led to me auditioning. The first being that I met an actual Banshee at an on campus ministry. He was talkative, southern, and Christian and I thought to myself, "Wow! I bet they're all just like this!" Plus (yes, John Allen I will admit it) I thought he was really cute. 

The second event was the real deciding factor that led to me auditioning. Are you ready for this major life moment? Are you sure? Ok, here we go...

I saw a big bright yellow flier taped to a walkway on the lower quad. It provided the location and time for auditions as well as this joke: "Because a gerbil is a great way to teach a kid about responsibility and three weeks later about death." That was, I thought, so perfectly hilarious that without really thinking about it I went to auditions that night. Truly, if I had not seen that sign I would not have tried out. THANK YOU TO WHOEVER WROTE THAT JOKE. 

Auditioning was one of the most fun things I've ever done, but no part of me thought I was getting in.  When I got my acceptance email (at 5 am the next morning) I was shocked. I also started to wonder how I was going to explain to my friends and family at home that I had just joined a "sketch comedy troupe." It has been my experience that once you're 18 telling people you're in any kind of "troupe" is an interesting conversation. 

Back to present day: 

For the most part, I've been trying to avoid thinking about this show as my last show, but I think the time has finally come to face up to the fact that after tonight I will no longer be performing or writing as a Lilting Banshee. I will not hang any more bright yellow signs at 2 am or run through orientation picnics as a publicity stunt. I will not sell any more $3 tickets or film strange videos around Wake's campus. I will never again be on stage in a white button down and khaki pants. 

This all makes me very sad, but this is not the point. The point is that all of these experiences have allowed me to be a part of something I really believe to be beautiful.  One of my most favorite and distinct memories is the feeling I had after my first ever Banshee performance. I felt so incredibly light and aware and happy. There is something about making people laugh that was immediately intoxicating.  For me, it was mainly because when you make someone laugh it's a totally unselfish moment of joy. Neither the performer, nor the audience is in control; instead, both are sharing in something so wonderfully silly that one side physically responds with laughter.  This might seem like an over-dramatic way to talk about what is often some pretty low brow humor (hello 420 jokes), but it really is how I see it. 

To all of you who attended the Banshee shows over the years, thank you. To all of you who let me into the troupe in the first place, THANK YOU.  To anyone who has ever laughed at a joke I made (from pity or otherwise), thank you, thank you, thank you. If you come to the show tonight, you will be seeing my last ever performance with the Lilting Banshees, but I feel confident in saying that it will not be the last time I perform altogether. As long as you'll let me, I am going to keep trying at this beautiful, silly experience that is comedy. 

So....yeah....show tonight at 8 or 10! Tickets are $3 and if you have any questions about how to get one just let me know! 

Career Fair For Liberal Arts Majors

By Caroline Drew

As graduation fast approaches for the class of 2015, the job search is undoubtedly on. College seniors across the country are eagerly applying to positions with the hope that, come May, they might leave the nest of Mom and Pop and fly into the "real world" an employed adult.

After some extensive research, it became apparent to this reporter that, for some students, the search ended long ago. A myriad of finance, business, and engineering majors were offered positions as early as August. Furthermore, I found that students in these majors (and those similar) are frequently bombarded with events known as "career fairs" in which their resident university hosts a number of companies looking to employ those with relevant skills. There are consulting firms, banks, insurance agencies, research facilities, etc. However, it soon became quite clear that a significant part of the student body was not going to have any luck at these so-called "fairs." I am, of course, referring to the liberal arts students.

"Students who choose to major in the liberal arts are simply not offered the same amount of exposure to the career world as, say, a business major. That's where we come in," commented Erica Poller, the brains behind the new and forthcoming career fair events specifically tailored to the liberal arts major.

"Every student who completes a college degree should feel like it was actually worth something. And my team and I truly believe there is a position for everyone."

Poller was kind enough to provide a list of the organizations and companies who would be present at her fair. The list includes (though is not limited to) the following:

- Starbucks Coffee Company
- Dunkin' Donuts
- Anthropologie
- Cutco Cutlery
- Fed Ex Office Print and Ship Center (the Kinko's section)
- Dog Walkers of America
- Teach For America Janitorial Staff
- The Babysitter's Club
- Your Grandparents' Basement
- Welfare
- T-Mobile International

"I saw a need and I decided to fill it. Does that make me a hero? Well...." Poller stopped speaking at this point, but she went on to wink, nod, and mouth you betcha before high-fiving herself.

Not just any student will be allowed to attend the career fair for Liberal Arts majors. Students must be able to prove that they are pursuing a degree in a valid liberal arts field such as English Literature, Art History, History of Art, History of Literature about Art, Artistic History of the English, or Communications.

"It used to be that I was humiliated at the career fairs," shared Wake Forest women' and gender studies major, DJ studies minor, Taylor Brows. "My resume just read I'M SORRY. But now, now I could get a job! A real job! I gotta call my parents."

Brows did, in fact, precede to call his parents on the spot. Though I couldn't hear all his parents said, I did hear at least one shout of "BUT WE PAID SO MUCH MONEY FOR YOU TO DO THIS."

So there you have it: a new batch of 2015 graduates is preparing itself for the road ahead. Good luck to you all!

(....but mostly the liberal arts majors. you guys need it.)


note: Accounting, pre-law, and pre-med students were not mentioned, though it should be noted they are safely secured on a decided job path as well...those lucky bastards.

What Woke Me Up at 4:00 am

I was just woken up by some kind of bee on my face so now I cannot go back to sleep. 

Correction: I may never sleep again.

Honestly, bugs are terrifying. Can we all admit that? At least with an animal you can maybe reason with it. If something has visbile eyes I feel like I could talk it out of hurting me (note: this logic does not apply to Furbies).  You can maybe even domesticate a once-threatening animal and start a lifelong relationship with what is now your new pet. But with bugs it is simply war. You vs. Them. Especially in the dark when they could be anywhere. Sure, I killed the one who woke me up, but what if it wasn't alone? If there are others I can only hope they witnessed the execution of their comrade (smothered by pillow against concrete wall) and take its death as an example.

Yes, I can tell I'm starting to sound a little psychopath-ish here, but it's 4:15 am. And I was woken up by a bee. ON MY FACE.

Not everyone hates bugs. Do you know this kind of person? The kind who insists you don't kill the stinging bastard but trap it in a cup and release it back into the wild? It's the same type of person who likes to say, "It's more scared of you than you are of it." That is just not true. Bugs come into my home all the time. They get up in my face when I'm eating lunch. This summer, one got inside my sock and stung me right on the ankle. So no, I do not think bugs are afraid of me. In fact, I think they are ridiculously cocky and see me as nothing more than some giant moving pin cushion.

Ok, I have to stop writing about bugs because it's freaking me out. Let's see, what else can I post on this blog that everyone reads.....

My sister got engaged!!! 

You guys know my sister Mallie right? She's basically a living goddess who does stuff like exercise every day, perfect homemade recipes, and not log on to our family netflix account (i.e. goddess). Her fiance, Gifford, is pretty great too. And, yes, I could go on and on about how he's bilingual, a uva grad, a naval officer, blah blah blah, but I'd rather talk about the fact that his name is Gifford. How amazing is that? Like Clifford the Big Red Dog, only it's Gifford. The bar for significant others in our family has just been raised. Touche, Mallie, touche.

Speaking of engagements, I have something to say to all the people my age getting engaged:

ahem.

WHAT??????????????????????????WHY????!!!!!??????WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me be clear: I am not saying that people who get engaged at 22 haven't found "the one" or that they won't have a successful marriage. I just truly don't get it. I was under the impression that dating was a pretty good deal for us young twenty-somethings. It's like being married....just not as hard. Plus, being the heterosexual that I am, I'm pretty much dreading the whole "living with a guy" ordeal. I grew up with two brothers and- even though I love them dearly- I never wanted to share a bathroom with them. Maybe chalk it up to my immaturity or my selfishness (or a number of other personal flaws I haven't recognized yet) but this whole getting a ring before a degree thing has thrown me for a loop.

I have another thing to say to all the people my age getting engaged: Seriously, I wish you the best of luck. And I wish that someday marriage will not terrify me as much as waking up to a bug on my face.

Anyone still reading this? No? Okay, cool. Just me and my thoughts.

Here's a fun fact: sometimes I like to read the titles of news articles and nothing else. Not because I'm lazy -well, not only because of that- but because it can be pretty amusing to try and guess what could possibly come next.  Here's are some real examples from my BBC app:

"Could a monster shark have kept whales in check?"

"Thousands queue for 'meat stone'"

"China says no to Dumbledore" 

If anyone writes a faux-news article for one of those three and sends it to me I will post it on this blog. Which means a few hundred or so Americans will read your work, and even more Ukrainians (I'm not kidding. This website lets me see what country people are viewing the blog from and I am more popular in the Ukraine than I am in the US. And you know what they say- if you can make it in Eastern Europe, you can make it anywhere).

I don't know if I should be disturbed by this so much as I think that EPOWAIEUGOSNVJE I KID YOU NOT THERE IS ANOTHER BUG I REPEAT ANOTHER BUG THIS IS NOT A DRILL WHAT IS HAPPENING

You can't tell, but there has been a passage of time between this piece of text and the one prior. Another bug has lost its life in its quest to break down my sense of safety/ability to trust. I have nothing else to say. Good night (good morning). 

Social Media Has Been Cancelled Due to Lack of Hustle

This is an announcement- I, Caroline Drew, am taking a social media sabbatical. For the summer of 2014 I am deleting my facebook, twitter, instagram, and even (oh how I will miss the 5 second shots of your pets) snapchat. 

For those of you that fainted from shock/disgust/utter confusion, thank you for rejoining us. Please read with caution, however, because the above statement was not a joke. 

For those of you who are thinking "ok cool...I don't have any of those accounts either. What's the big deal?" To you I say: HOW ARE YOU SEEING THIS BLOG?! HA! CAUGHT YA!

Obviously, there are people out there who participate in all or some of these social media sites without it being an issue. Keep in mind, I plan on reviving all of my accounts come fall. My reasoning for temporarily jumping ship is as follows- wait, no, there is more than one reason. But so help me, I will not make a list. I will not. Do you hear me Buzzfeed???? 

I am not someone who has a Facebook, but rarely logs on. I am someone, however, who will scroll through Instagram ever hour. I am not someone who is on Twitter "just for news" (I'm skeptical that anyone really is. And if you are, there has got to be a better way to get the news than Twitter. Maybe this summer I will actually start reading the news and I will get back to you all on this topic). I am someone who has frequently abused the "my story" feature on Snapchat. And I do think that 'abused' is the appropriate term. 

The point is, not everyone needs a break from social media, but it's about time I detoxed. 

This summer I am trying to focus on positive, intentional living (Note: I've found that gargling listerine really rids your mouth of that cheesy cliche taste). I want to take pictures for memories' sake, not for other people. I want to have witty thoughts longer than 140 characters- because let's be real, I'm pretty witty (pretty witty? Ohhhh man! I can't be stopped!). Mostly, I want to focus on interacting with the people in my life in a genuine way that, at times, I have previously allowed social media communications to take place of. Selfishly, I am pumped about having a few less areas of my life that I feel the need to "check." If I could delete my email, trust me, I would. 

(For any Buzzfeed staff members who have stumbled upon this blog- the above section is what is commonly referred to as a 'paragraph.') 

And now, in memoriam ("but Caroline, you said this is only temporary??" Shh!! I'm doing something here!) of my time on social media, I will look back at some of my happier cyberweb moments. 

2004: Caroline creates her first email, and thus, AIM account. She chooses the name "dancequeen827" because- well, the reasons are obvious. 

2007: Caroline, at the then rebellious age of 14, activates her Facebook account. Sure, the photos uploaded during these first 2 (3,4...) years would essentially serve as blackmail later on, but who cares. She sure thought she was cute at the time and her wall-post game was killer. 

2010: Caroline joins the Twitter community. As many of her friends could guess, she has trouble fitting anything into such a small space, but like a wild animal bent on survival- she adapts. Nay, she thrives. 

2012: Caroline is now on Instagram. She is stumped by the filter "Toaster" but uses all others perfectly. 

2013: Caroline creates a snapchat handle and it's like she's never lived until now. Never before has she seen such a wide assortment of cute little kids, homework assignments (with the caption "ugh" or "literally can't"), and her friends faces contorted in the most unflattering ways. They last a few seconds, but those few seconds are glorious. 

RIP Caroline on Vine: Spring of 2013-Summer of 2013. 

Farewell for now social media. I will miss your many tabs and profiles. I will especially miss the way you allow me to share the most useless thoughts/pictures without repercussion. Special shout out to Twitter for that. 

If you want to facebook stalk me, retweet me, tag me in an instagram, or snapchat me yourself at the beach (don't do this, it's mean until I'm out of school too) you only have a few days left!!! 

p.s. Though it is unlikely, the blog might still resurface this summer through the social media mules I call my friends. And because they are the only ones that read this: ....I am sorry I called you all mules.

p.p.s. I know that in the past I have published articles on Buzzfeed. My sentiments towards said website, however, have changed. My breakup letter to Buzzfeed will surface onto this blog someday I'm sure, so stay tuned (ooooooh man! always keep 'em coming back for more, you, sly dog, you).