Flash Forward

The last time I wrote on this blog, I was still at JH Ranch in California, living in the cool mountain air with thoughts of college barely appearing on the horizon. 

Flash forward to now: I am sitting in my dorm room at Wake Forest having just finished my first day of classes for sophomore year!

Recap since my last post: my time at JH ended wonderfully. Despite many tearful goodbyes, it was difficult to stay depressed during my final week- what with babysitting, night games, trips to Oregon and sweet fellowship, I have to say it was more happy than sad. 

My three days at home were great...but (if I'm being completely honest) I could have used a couple more. During my 72 or so hours, all four of us Drew kids were home and it was perfect. The older we all get, the more I am starting to realize how precious it is for us all to be home together.  As for a quick update on the siblings: Mark is starting his senior year at the University Alabama, Tillman is embarking on his junior year at Mountain Brook High School, and Mallie has officially entered the "real world" working at BBVA Compass Bank.

It was much sooner than later that I arrived at Wake Forest. Although I was harboring some homesickness for Birmingham, it felt so right to step back on this campus! As people began arriving, reunions upon reunions commenced. It was all hugs and screaming (on my part) and many how-was-your-summer's.  Finally, I felt like I didn't have to count down the days with everyone around me. Yes, I will leave these friends once more at the end of the year- but, hey, I have a whole year!

...something tells me that come May, I'm going to look back at this and wonder how all the time in between came and went so fast...

I've been very busy, as most of us tend to be at Wake. Classes may have just started today, but the Lilting Banshees first show was last night. I'd say it went well...as about 1,000 students came to our two shows! For a school of our size, I was ecstatic, to say the least, about our audience turn out. 

Along with writing sessions and rehearsals, my e-mail inbox has been filling and filling up with reminders, deadlines, and google docs. You know you're back at college when your primary communication becomes e-mail (this summer it was talking face to face and letters).  I just took on the task of going through the e-mails I had allowed to slightly pile up and have gathered this information: I will lead my first tour for prospective students next tuesday; my sorority's chapter retreat is on Sunday; homework has begun in a big way; J.Crew will never take me off of their mailing list. 

Diving into the business of Wake can be a bit like diving into a vat of quicksand: suffocating. Thankfully, as the e-mails and responsibilities are loading up, I am kept at peace due to the sweet love of Jesus. All I learned this summer has not gone to waste- I feel so completely caught up in Christ that stress has been unable to reach me.  It is truly a testament to the goodness of the Lord that He could keep me so calm and controlled during this take-off season into the school year. 

Finally (I know, this is very long), I want to share a fun story with you all!

 After my show last night, two of my friends took me to get some celebratory waffles at the ever so delicious Waffle House. Our waitress came to take our orders with a cheerful smile. She asked how we were. We were all fine, and returned the question. Still with a smile on her face she explained  that she was tired because she had been on shift since 5 and work until 2 (AM!). Then, she would be waking up at 7 only to work until 2 (PM) the next day. 

And there I was. Sitting, waiting on a chocolate chip waffle which I would thoroughly enjoy only then to return to my bed, sleep for 7 or 8 hours, wake up, and go to school as to later have a job which will never have those kind of hours. It's not that I was feeling guilty; on the contrary, I simply became very aware of how much I take for granted. Of how, for some people, having a good attitude takes a lot more effort (and yet, they do it anyway). 

Now I need to back track some- earlier that day, I had been going through my backpack only to find $20. You can imagine how good that made me feel- just one surprise dollar in my coat pocket puts a smile on my face. I stashed the bill in my wallet, intending to use it for something fun at a later time. 

Back to Waffle House, my friends and I were checking out at the counter when I realized I had forgotten to leave a tip. I pulled out two dollars (my waffle cost $3.81) feeling like that was more than appropriate, when I remembered the $20. It would be ridiculous, said the logical part of my brain, to leave that kind of tip. Who does that? Only insanely rich people. Or just insane people. Still, there was a tugging on my heart that told me that my waitress was supposed to have it. I pulled out the bill reluctantly and then (before I could change my mind) laid it on the table. 

I did not stay to see her reaction. I did not say goodbye. I walked out of the door, got in the car, and went back to my bed where I slept for 7 or 8 hours before waking up and going to class today. 

It was the most peculiar thing: as soon as I laid down the $20, I felt completely free of it. I didn't necessarily feel good about myself in the sense that I did not attribute my actions to my own goodness- trust me, I really didn't want to do it. Instead, I became acutely aware of the Holy Spirit within me being drawn out in a tangible way. I can't keep leaving huge tips like that, but it felt so good to be able to bless someone through the love of Jesus inside of me. There is a verse that has stuck onto my heart lately that reads like this:

"[...]And so through Him, the Amen is spoken by us to the glory of God." 
2 Corinthians 1:20

What I like about that verse is that it is through Jesus that we act out God's will to His glory. What a perfectly wonderful cycle that is.

This doesn't mean I'm going to be giving everyone $20 tips. It just means that I want to listen to the Holy Spirit's direction as I walk through life. If I listen to myself, I'll stay safe, somewhat content, and completely disconnected from the God's glory...thanks, but no thanks.

Lessons

I am almost halfway through my summer here at JH Ranch.

WHAT. NO. NO, NO, NO, I DO NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. 

I miss my friends more than they can know, and I miss my family even more; however, I cannot imagine leaving this place.  The work is difficult, believe me, but the rewards are more than enough to make up for it.  In fact, the work itself can be a reward. I am spoiled by the magnificent scenery and constant fellowship surrounding me everyday at the Ranch. How, how, can I think about leaving? 

I can't. Therefore, I will not. Moving on...

The Second Wind program is here! Or somewhere near here, I should say! Right now all of our 450 teenagers are off on adventures (surfing in the ocean, hiking up Mt. Shasta, navigating the wilderness, rafting the Klamath River, and biking to the coast), but for a little over a week they have been bouncing all over property.  It's an odd situation to be in because though we work much harder with this group, we also can't help but catch onto some of their contagious energy.  I do not know if you've ever experienced singing worship songs with 450 13-18 year olds but it is fun.  

I've learned a lot from the group. More than I could ever hope to tell; so, I will share just two of the lessons they will have left me with. 

1. When a teenager makes a salad, this is what they put on it: romaine lettuce, american cheese, croutons, and ranch dressing. That is all. They want nothing else. And I have a sneaking suspicion that the lettuce is not necessarily essential to their salad experience.  The carrots, beets, tomatos, broccoli, sunflower seeds, and other toppings are left untouched.  Our other dressings- italian, ginger sesame, raspberry vinagrete, etc- are barely dipped into.  Salads, I would say, are generally thought of as a healthy addition to one's meal.  Second Winders seemed to have taken this thought as a challenge, and they have won.  There can be nothing healthy about the way they eat salad. But maybe I'm biased- I know what goes into the ranch dressing...

2. There is no reason to put ourselves through half of what we do.  Let me rephrase, we chase after so much for such a long time that does not satisfy before we come to Jesus.  That seems to be true for most of Christians.  I have heard testimony after testimony here in which the speaker, at some point or another, relates a heart-broken warning. In his or her own words, something along these lines is said: "Don't bother with all that I did. It is not worth it. You are not missing out, you are saving yourself from so much damage."  

That's one the biggest lies we want to believe, isn't it? That experience is freedom.  That trying all the world has to offer will give us life at it's limit. If we really committed our life to Christ, then we would be constantly denying ourselves this true life.  I think if we are honest with ourselves, we believe that walking with the Lord is not all that exciting. We believe it is necessary to numb parts of who we are in order to really live as a Christian in this world. 

No. Not true. Completely and totally wrong. "I come that they may have life" - John 10:10. Jesus does not say "I come that they may follow me and turn away from all they want and eventually get to this life-long church service called Heaven."  I don't want to commit my life to the latter either. But I do want life.  

I watch these guests, especially those that are in high school and I am so encouraged. They are learning, before I did in my own life, that Jesus promises more than the World. They are learning that He is life, not the million other options the world offers us with pressing hands. They are learning that to follow God is the most exciting and wonderful journey we have the chance to experience on earth.  In fact, it is the only way we can every truly find sustained and eternal joy while we live here. 

God is not boring. He doesn't want us to be boring either. I have watched many of our guests come to know Jesus this past week and they are anything but boring. They are hyper, adventurous, loud, laughing, dancing, intelligent, immature, introspective, joyful, vulnerable, athletic, brave, and kind. They are many things, but they are not boring. 

Sadly, the Second Wind program will end on Sunday. Happily, we will welcome back the parent-teen program the day after they leave!  That session will only be fathers and daughters so, if you are so inclined, start praying that God softens the hearts of these guests.  Pray that the girls would see how much their Dads love them.  Pray that the Dads would be able to communicate their love to their little girls. Pray that God is the one who inspires both of these things, and that His handprint is obvious in it all.  

Welcome to the Ranch!

We are here! We arrived last night around 8:30. And if you don't know anything about JH Ranch let me describe our arrival last night:

You step out of the bus and are immediately blown away by just how beautiful the Ranch is. Green grass reaches far out in the pasture, mountains cut across the sky, and the air has not one trace of humidity (if you're from the south you know how beautiful this is).

Then, as you're walking up the hill from the bus to the main buildings, you start to hear the clapping and cheers of the full time staff and guys who came early for river guide training. They're lined up, making a tunnel with their hands, and each one of them has a huge smile on their face.

You go inside where punch, cookies, and small talk await you. For returning staff members this is a time for long overdue reunions filled with hugs and reminiscing. For new staff members it's a time for meeting yet another and another new person. With each one it's hard not to think about how God might use them in your life this summer.

My favorite part is next. After a quick talk from one of the full time staff members, Jonathan, we begin to sing songs of worship. Jonathan had mentioned that this was a place for free worship, but you didn't really understand that until you started to sing. The people around you are completely open in expressing themselves to God. Whether this means claiming His goodness aloud with hands held high, or standing still with a silent prayer on your mind- the room is just so...vulnerable.

When worship is done, Jonathan (in charge of boys summer staff) and Katie (in charge of girls) give out living assignments. You take your luggage to the correct trailer and follow your crowd of new housemates to where ever you might be assigned.

Which brings me to The Convent! Yes, that's what it is called. The Convent is so named because it is a house of all girls that live the farthest away from the main area of the Ranch...and also any guys! Now, "house" might be a generous term for the place I'll be living this summer. To give you an idea- I'm sharing a room with five other girls and I'm pretty sure it's not much bigger than my freshman dorm room! But I couldn't be less worried about the small size; in fact, I'm interested to see how it will only make us closer as the weeks go by.

So. Here I am. At JH Ranch. I've been here less than 24 hours and it's incredible just how present the Lord is. I know He's never not with me, but here I don't have to look. His spirit is bouncing off the walls, it is overflowing from every room. Last night, as my roommates and I were almost ready to collapse from exhaustion we made time to pray together- for ourselves, each other, and the summer we'll spend in our little, loving room. It may not seem like much, though to me a little activity such as that feels like the most refreshing breath of air.

I forgot what it's like to be around such a yearning group of believers. I say yearning because though we are all on different paths and at different points in our relationship with God, we are all just striving after Him. It is a beautiful common ground to have.

I'm now sitting on one of the Convent couches, typing this out on my phone and looking at yet another breath taking view. This is going to be a beautiful summer.

Sweet Home

If you’ve never been, Alabama is probably much prettier than you would expect. At least, that’s what visitors tell me as they sit in the passenger seat, looking around with a somewhat surprised look on their face.  The main comment people make on their first trip to Alabama is, “It’s so much greener than I thought it would be.”

Especially now, in the beginning of May, it is so very green.  The rain is generous in the spring leaving us with trees upon trees covered in new clothes. And the trees heavy with leaves, pinecones, and blooms, huddle tightly together and burst over the roads.  The roads are constantly curving and often rising, then dipping. It’s not necessarily mountainous around my neighborhood, but when you’re running, you get a feel for just how steep those hills can be.  I love the hills, my heart is in the hills. If you ask me “mountains or the beach?” I’ll say mountains every time, though I don’t know if that makes me more partial to my hometown, or if my hometown makes me more partial to the mountains.  There are creeks that can turn into miniature rapids during a thunderstorm (I say rapids because my cousins have actually attempted to raft one during a storm).  They are full of crawling crawdads, little darting fish, and the occasional snake, but when you’re a little girl in a hot Alabama summer, nothing can keep you from wading through the cool water.

That only describes a small, small section of Alabama, but it’s my section. It’s my first home and believe me, I would not want to say that about anywhere else in the world.  I can understand that other people might feel similar ways about their home states, but if you are also from Alabama you understand the difference. 

Being from Alabama is like being from a history- a history well-marinated in tradition...and butter.  It’s something I’ve only noticed after being around more non-southerners, if you will, but this lifestyle of tradition is one that is unique to the south-east- if not just Alabama (I can’t speak for the other states). 

With this attachment to tradition comes strong feelings of pride. I have a friend, Annie Monson, from the mid-west who now lives in New Jersey and for the life of her, she cannot get her head around the pride we Alabamians feel. For a state that is not always ranked so favorably in demographics, we still think that there’s no better place to live in the country.  Keep your lack of obesity; we’ll keep our delicious barbeque and call it a day. 

I write all this for an important announcement: I’M BACK! After two days of being Bama-bound (only my mom could turn an 8 hour drive to a two day trek), I have arrived to my house in Birmingham.  An unlikely occurrence these days, all six members of the Drew family are present and accounted for.  Alabama never felt so good as a warm summer night surrounded by my parents, brothers, and sister.  These are the people that have dealt with me the longest and loved me the hardest.  It’s a sad fact that I take them for granted- I never realize quite how much I need them until I feel their arms around me. Of course, it doesn’t just stop with my immediate family- my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents are all such beautiful sights for sore eyes (and I share their gene pool, so lucky me!).

Being away from Wake is tough.  I miss it terribly.  It was an odd moment to wake up this morning in a queen sized bed- let me divulge, I did not enjoy it.  But, I had been away from Alabama long enough.  This time around, it was my mother’s church bus-sized conversion van that carried me home, and I am thankful for it.  I might still shed a few tears when I talk to my far away friends, but I’m also going to appreciate this time in Dixie.

Besides, I leave for California (!!!) on the 19^th… I just can’t stay in one place can I?

Freshman Frenzy

This upcoming Monday will conclude my first year at Wake Forest University.

Now will whoever is holding down the fast forward button press pause for a minute? I need to digest all that’s happened this year.

I came to college back in August. I was young, naïve, and completely unsure of how to get around my freshman dorm, much less the whole campus.  Today I can comfortably tell you how to get around campus…as for being young and naïve I’m pretty sure that hasn’t changed. When you come to college, I’ve found, there is this interesting atmosphere of experience that I don’t remember being present in high school. You’re on your own, away from parents, living with your friends, and you’ve got four years to make the absolute most of it!

What will you do with college? What will college do with you?

Of course, it’s not so dramatic as this inside the freshman brain upon arrival to school. I was more focused on questions such as:

Why did I think it was a good idea to leave my friends?

How do I get rid of these fluorescent lights?

What are all of these Jersey kids doing here?

How do I get to the Pit again?

Wait, maybe having your Mom at college would be a good thing?

I was so caught up in a thousand little fears and worries every day that the answers to all of these questions snuck up on me without me even noticing.  Looking back on the beginning of my freshman year, I am shocked at how intentionally God worked in my life to create a home for me at Wake Forest. Though the fluorescent lights still reign as king in my dorm room, I acclimated easily enough to having my childhood friends in different places than me. After eating a couple of meals, I found the Pit (our cafeteria) with no trouble. Having my mom at a distance has only made our relationship stronger, and one of those Jersey kids became one of my best friends.

Freshman year could probably be described in one word for me: growth. It has not been easy. I would even go so far as to say that at times, this was one of the hardest years of my life. These two semesters have been full of mistakes, misjudgments, and misguided paths I stumbled through. I am not proud of everything I have done this year, but I am blessed enough to know the grace of Christ.  And for the times when I just didn’t feel it, I had sweet friends there to remind me of God’s great love. That, to me, is what it is to grow. It is not something marked by perfection, by flawless transition. It is not strictly personal, an isolated action. I have had my share of “growing pains” and I have leaned on people for so much of the way.

So why was I surprised the first time I referred to Wake as home? It was such an odd moment. There I was talking about fall break and it just slipped out: “I’ll be home on Sunday.” Home. I felt a bit guilty, as if I had betrayed my family and Birmingham by calling somewhere else home. But it was true. I do feel like Wake is a home for me. My little freshman dorm, the old brick buildings, Wait Chapel and its spotlight after dark- these are images of home for me now. What else are images of home for me? Catherine Douglas laughing on my floor, Annie Monson dancing to a middle school rap song, Tillman Hamilton sitting across from me at the Pit- these are just a few of the people who feel like home to me.

(cue that depressing song  “feels like hoooooome to me...”)

This has been unreasonably long, but I believe I warned you that I always have too much to say. And don’t you worry, this is not the last of my freshman year posts. It’s going to be an exciting series of posts that leave me in tears because I JUST DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER.

P.S. to those of you who go to Wake and are judging me because I had trouble finding the Pit…you should know my sense of direction is very poor in that it doesn’t exist

Carry Me Home

"If you wrote an autobiography, what would you title it?"

This was my absolute least favorite question of the Wake Forest University application. I struggled with my answer for days and ended up slapping something down that had no actual significance to my life. I can't remember what I answered now, but I'm sure it was not one of my better responses on the application (but jokes on Wake, because they still let me in!). Needless to say, none of you should be surprised that I wasn't too thrilled about naming this blog either. 

I began to think just what I wanted to post here. I'm not a mother bursting with family tips, a chef with clever cooking ideas, or a missionary with inspiring anecdotes. I'm mostly a nineteen year old girl (or is it woman at this point?) who has altogether too much to say on pretty much everything.  One of my main motivations, however, for deciding to start this blog had to do with my summer plans- I wanted to be able to keep my friends and family who won't be joining me in California on my daily life. After contemplating this and thinking up some disgustingly cheesy titles (California Dreamin', Caroline Goes to Cali, etc) I realized that this blog could serve the same purpose during the other seasons as well. See, I'm not really one to stay in the same place for long.  I blame my parents for giving me the travel bug, but there's something else inside of me that can't get enough of leaving my comfort zone. 

Only here's the thing, I like my comfort zone. A whole lot actually. At this point in my life, I actually feel like I have a couple of comfort zones. The most obvious is my family's home in Birmingham, Alabama, but as time has gone by and I've invested in other people and places, I'm fortunate enough to think of home in a plural sense. These are the places and people who have helped shape and create who I am today.  I carry them with me when I'm away, and when I return it always feels like I'm slipping on a big, old sweater I had lost for a month or so. 

So this blog is called Carry Me Home in the spirit of it being for all of those who are at "home" while I'm away and maybe want to see what Caroline's up to. It's for me to get out all of that extra talking at the end of the day. And who knows, maybe someone I don't even know will stumble across this mess and find something they like in all the rambling.