Self-Employed, Vol 2.2

If you haven't been keeping up with this blog (I can only assume you were in a coma and just now woke up), allow me to fill you in:

On Monday, I hired myself as a Political Expert. I then used my expertise to comment on the current presidential candidates for the Democratic party. Today I will be moving on to the Republicans and the Women. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.2 : POLITICAL EXPERT

Important: As I said in the last post, I am basing my evaluations of Presidential hopefuls entirely off of their potential "bad boy-ness." For more information on this read the disclaimer in my last post (evaluation explanation). 

THE BAD BOYS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY 

US Senator Lindsey Graham

Age: 60

State: South Carolina 

Lindsey Graham isn't smiling. He's showing the teeth he uses
to eat democrats for breakfast. 

When I saw there was a 'Lindsey' running for President, I thought, "Oh great. Another woman." And it's not that I don't think a woman could be president. It's just that I think they make much better kindergarten teachers. 

Something He Actually Said That Could Have Just As Easily Been A Line From An Action Movie With Lots Of Explosions/Fight Scenes: 

"[If I'm president and someone joins ISIS] I wouldn't call a judge. I"m gonna call a drone and we will kill you." (After saying this, the bald eagle that sits on Graham's right shoulder nodded in approval and said, 'damn straight'). 

What's The Most Bad Boy Nickname In The World: 

It's not Juicy J, I'll tell you that much. And while we're at it - Juicy J, change your nickname. You sound like a stripper/chewing gum. The correct answer is Graham's nickname which is "Warhawk." That is not a nickname normal people get. That's a nickname you get when you are a pilot with Tom Cruise and the rest of the volleyball team. 

His Response To The Hillary Email Scandal: 

The Warhawk (as I will always refer to him from now on) said that he would be happy to release all of his emails because he has literally never sent a single email in his entire life.  Sure, to not use the main form of professional communication is, well, unprofessional, but, you know who else doesn't use email? My grandfather. Paul Bunyan. The Liberty Bell. 

Former Governor George Pataki

Age: 70

State: New York

ATTN: The ex-governor is not a bad boy and therefore is not a valid candidate for the President of the United States. However, he is such a disappointment that I am including him as an example of who NOT to vote for. He is more of a disappointment than Pitch Perfect 2. He is more of a disappointment than I am to my parents. He is the worst and here's why. 

This is not the face of a bad boy. This is the face of
someone who is thinking about the dog they had that got run
over by a drunk mailman. Hold it together, Pataki,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US. 

Nerd Alert: 

He went to "Yale" on an "academic scholarship" and graduated "early." I put all that in quotes because there's not currently punctuation to show how much something annoys you. 

New York Is A Safer State Because Of Him: 

 When he was elected, NY was the 6th most dangerous (aka 6th most awesome) state in the nation. By the time he left in 2006, New York had been degraded to the 7th safest (aka 7th uncoolest) state. So thanks a lot, Pataki! You made New York lame! 

He Sullied The Pataki Name: 

(what Helga would do to George if
she ever met him)

If there was ever a girl who exuded bad boy-ness it was Helga Pataki. She punched a guy in the face on a regular basis and never bothered to shave her unibrow simply because she didn't feel like it. She is everything George is not and he doesn't deserve to share her surname!!!

Governor Scott Walker 

Age: 47

State: Wisconsin 

Someone asked Scott Walker if he was worried about
Jeb Bush.  Scott Walker preceded to laugh like this
for 20 minutes. 

Though it pains me to say it, Donald Trump is not the true bad boy of the Republican primaries. That title belongs to none other than Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Why? For starters, and I'm not making this up, for four years he led summer campaigns via a motorcyle tour called "The Executive Ride." That is real. More importantly,  Scott Walker is a candidate who just does. not. care. He gives zero bucks (Wisconsin humor, nailed it). 

He Doesn't Care About...

school. Scott Walker is running for President of the United States and he does not have a college degree. And if you think he cared about school before he dropped out, jokes on you, because when he left his GPA was scored at an impressively nonchalant 2.6. Suck it Pataki. 

He Doesn't Care About...

losing.  Here is a scientific fact - I have never lived in a world that allows Scott Walker to lose. That's right, since 1990 the Governor has not lost a single political race. 

...He's dropped out of some, but that's not the same as losing. It is the same as quitting, but quitting is cool. Like The Arctic Monkeys or smoking cigarettes. 

He Doesn't Care About...(and if you're going to read anything about Walker this should be it)

terrorists. In 2012, a faction of ungrateful Wisconsinites attempted to recall Walker. They failed - le duh - but their efforts did manage to gain some traction. At it's peak, the recall effort resulted in 100,000 people gathered at the state capitol in protest of the Governor's reign. In 2015, Walker referenced this experience when discussing international terrorism, saying, "If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world." Because if there is anything we know to be true it's that ISIS, though scary, is nothing compared a bunch of non-violent protestors from Wisconsin. 

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S (SECOND) FAVORITES: 

THE FEMALE CANDIDATES!

Carly Fiorina, Businesswoman

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton's Wife

Since women can't technically be bad boys I am unable to endorse either of these candidates. And yes, they're in different political parties, but we all know that if two women are in a coed competition it's only fair if they are directly and exclusively compared only to each other. Therefore, I've come up with this helpful graph to evaluate Florin and Clinton (but seriously this just a little fun I'm having here. As with football coaches, firemen, and the all-state commercial guy, the role of president should always be filled by a man. But back to the fun!!): 

click on graph for a larger view

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I hope reading this has been a serious experience for you. If you're looking for more serious and don't have time to watch The Wire, make sure to come back for Self-Employed, Volume 3. 

Self-Employed, Vol. 2.1

Let me just start this off by saying that I am not a quitter. If anything, I'm a completer. I'm a champion. I'm a see-it-to-the-end-clear-eyes-full-house-uncle-jesse-we-are-marshall kind of gal.

That being said, I quit my job. Predicting the future with those horoscopes was exhausting.  In the words of poet laureate, Raven Symone, 

" You could gaze into the future // You might think life would be a breeze // Seeing trouble from a distance // But then it's not that easy "

No, it's not easy. And I didn't hire myself for things to be hard. I hired myself so I could relate to women in romantic comedies trying to have it all. But don't worry people! Just because my new job is easier for me, it will still add approx. 1,000 blessings to your life. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.1 : POLITICAL EXPERT 

Important: It should be noted that my evaluation of Presidential hopefuls is based entirely off of their "bad boy-ness". You see, as a woman, I am completely incapable of resisting anyone who seems like he might drive a motorcycle/wear a leather jacket/be mean to me because it's the only way he knows how to show love. Besides, we haven't had a true bad boy president since Taft - maybe even since Filmore. For those of you who are thinking, "but what about the female candidates??" Don't worry. I'll get to them. But only after I get to the men because history. 

First up, we have 

THE BAD BOYS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. 

Former Governor Lincoln Chafee

Chafee flaunting a notorious gang sign in public because he can

State: Rhode Island

Age: 62

Lincoln Chafee (yes, that’s his name, DEAL WITH IT HILLARY) is my second favorite for the democratic candidacy.  His gubernatorial career created the sexy, dangerous Rhode Island we all know and love. The NRA may have given him an “F” but Lincoln Chafee doesn’t care about grades. The guy went to horsehoeing school and they don’t even have grades there so HA. 

His Name Is Lincoln And He Loves To Party:

As of 2013, the ex-governor has been a member of the Republican, the Independent, and (most recently) the Democratic Party.  He is projected to join Aaron’s Party by the year 2017.  

Did He Run For A Second Term As Governor:

No. And it wasn’t because of the embarrassingly low approval ratings. It was because he needed to focus all of his energy on making women swoon/intimidating lesser men across the globe.

Only Drawback:

The name “Lincoln Chafee” is undeniably silly. However, like all Rhode Islanders, his parents were just following the legislation that requires all children to be named after 1) their father’s first car and 2) their mother’s first pet.

Former Governor Martin O’Malley

O'Malley doesn't need your approval or shirt sleeves. 

State: Maryland

Age: 52

Martin O'Malley!!! The rock and roll governor!!! Maryland!!! It's hard not to get excited about O'Malley. He's young (helloooo Mr. Under 60), he's attractive, and he acted in a John Travolta film. I won't say which one, but I won't say it wasn't Look Who's Talking. Ok, it wasn't that. But anyway, I'm sad to say that O'Malley couldn't manage to live up to his own bad boy hype. 

The Set Up:

Since 1998, O’Malley has been a member of a Celtic Rock Band – which, apparently, do exist – named “O’Malley’s March.” The governor gets major bad boy points for both the coolness of being in a rock group and the douchiness of naming it after himself. So awesome.  Plus, he's the lead singer and guitarist for the band.

The Let Down:

He is the lead singer, the guitarist, and the banjo player for his band. For his “rock and roll” band he plays the banjo. Bad boy points redacted. Go home Martin.

Former US Senator Jim Webb

Jim Webb tried to care once. But then,
oh yeah, he remembered he was Jim Webb.

State: VA

Age: 69 (hehehehe)

Jim Webb isn’t just another bad boy of the democratic party – he is THE bad boy of the democratic party. He is the one true bad ass. But, in the words of Nobel Prize winner, LeVar Burton, "You don’t have to take my word for it."

Ask His Woman:

who is 22 years younger than him. Throughout history, dating younger women has been a staple of the bad boy lifestyle. Just look at George Clooney, Hugh Hefner, and – the baddest of all - Woody Allen.

Ask His Black Friend:

who is definitely real and agrees with him on things like not taking down the Confederate Flag. You know it’s a real black guy and not just someone Jim made up because he says they were talking in a barbershop.  Where black guys exist. Obviously.

Ask His Political Aide:

who is probably still in awe of the Senator's classic practical joke.  In 2007, this aide was arrested for carrying a briefcase of Webb’s with a loaded pistol into the senate office building. Here’s the punchline: the aide didn’t know it was in there!!!!!! That prank is both dangerous and hilarious. I should say that Webb never officially came out and said it was a joke, but if that just happened that would be so incredibly dumb and so bizarrely awful I would wonder why this guy was even thinking of running for President....So hahaha good joke Jimmy! 

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Get ready for the next Serious Blog about another serious political party with some serious bad boys. That's right, I'm talking about the Republicans. And let me tell you, these candidates are so bad I'm rating the next post GOPG-13!!! OOOHHH!! (but seriously with writing like this how does no one else want to hire me)

Self-Employed, Vol.1

People, I come to you today with some exciting news. You know how my parents paid upwards of 200k for my college education? And you know how I'm still at home with no job? Well, today is the day that all changes. After getting totally inspired (and, let's be honest, a little turned on) from perusing Donald  Trump's twitter page, it occurred to me that I don't need to wait around for someone to give me some sort of hand-out employment. This is America! The Donald says we need to create jobs for Americans! I'm an American AND I'm almost positive by "we" he specifically meant me and himself. Game on, DT, game on. 

(side-note: When is Charles Shultz going to green-light the "It's the Great Trumpkin, Charlie Brown" project America is begging for?) 

That's right people. I've decided to employ myself. The pay isn't great (see: nonexistent) but I'm allowed to work in the bath and my boss is a total babe. Plus, the first job I've hired myself to do is not only fulfilling for me, it's a service for you as well. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 1 : HOROSCOPIST. 

Gemini: The stars are in your favor! You will hit every red light on the way home from work, but you won't make eye contact with anyone you used to go to high school with. 

Aries: OoOOo you'll think that you found yourself a cheerleader...but surprise! She's actually a member of the Color Guard. Tread lightly. 

Taurus: You'll change your name to Katie Couric because it's just so darn fun to say. 

 Virgo: You'll finally admit to your friends that you never watched Breaking Bad and you never will!!!!!

Cancer: Your horoscope sign is Cancer. Spoiler alert: it always looks bad for you. 

Libra: Uh oh, looks likes Grandma's email forwards were right -- since same-sex marriage is now legal in the US you'll be one of many straight Americans forced to be gay-married and live in San Franciso. 

Leo: Get ready for fun! This month, you'll go an anti-vaccine-adventure with Jim Carrey in which the two of you replace the helpful, disease preventing substances in vaccines with maple syrup. 

Scorpio: No one will post a photo with the caption "#cheatday" on your instagram feed AND YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL. 

Sagittarius: You'll try online dating, but not because you need it or anything. It's honestly, like, a joke to you, you're not lonely, single life is great. Shut up, Mom. 

Capricorn: Life will literally give you lemons and I swear to God you better not do something dumb like "make a gin and tonic" or "throw them at people." This is not some stupid joke. This is not a wooden sign hanging up at a beach house. Do the right thing and make the damn lemonade. 

Aquarius: The only YouTube ad you'll watch this month will be 'Dave from State Farm'. In other words, the stars love you. 

Pisces: You'll remember Shel Silverstein is dead and feel kind of sad about it for an afternoon. 

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That's all for today. I'll see you next time on "Self-Employed: Volume 2." Unless, of course, someone else decides to employ me and - hahahahaha oh man, sorry about that. Just a little practical joke, can't help myself.