Wednesday, August 19, 2015

White Sorority Girls Have It Just As Hard As Racial Minorities, Thank You Very Much

While the rest of the country is still floundering to deal with all of those icky race issues, there's at least one place in America that's got it figured out: Wake Forest University. Thanks to a student at my old stomping grounds, the internet got an article last night that combines graceful intelligence with sensitive empathy to essentially say, 'Hey minorities, we get it. But if you're going to judge me for being in a sorority, I can't stop judging you for being a different race.'

Reaction to the article was pretty harsh, even leading to it being removed from theodysseyonline.com. But not before I had a chance to read some of the nasty comments. And not before I had the chance to copy and paste the article here. 

I've decided to defend this article and its author. If you've yet to read the article yourself, please direct your attention to the elegant essay below before reading my review. In seriousness, Caroline 

(note: I removed the author's name to protect her from further stereotyping based on her coffee drinks and the group of friends who accept her). 

My Defense Of This Article - In 7 Parts

1) The author admits to feeling bad sometimes about her race and fashion choices.

2) The author quotes two of the leading voices in racial equality - Ben Carson and Lana Del Rey. Had she mentioned the Pillsbury Dougboy, she would have had the trifecta.

3) The author states that before the "Rap Video" controversery she did not notice any racial tension on the WFU campus. And if she didn't notice it, then it wasn't there. Science.

4) The author reminds us of the saying, "The grass isn't greener on the other side." You might find the use of this insensitive, but all she means is that while racial minorities might *think* it's easier to be white in America, they are soooooOoOoOooo wrong.

5) The author CLEARLY recognizes the MAIN ISSUE of racial discrimination on campus: the greater number of tributes to Arnold Palmer than of those to Chris Paul.

6) The author says that she heard you, minorities. She might not have heard what you were saying "exactly", but she heard you. And that's what you wanted. You're welcome.
7) If you stop judging her (for starbucks and sorority letters) she'll stop judging you (for your skin color and generations of prejudice that have systematically disenfranchised and oppressed others like you). Win, Win.

Finally, I think some of you haters might be forgetting she went to prom with a bi-racial guy. So she's allowed to say whatever she wants.

And now, the article:



At Wake Forest University, nationally ranked 27th, we pride ourselves on being some of the most educated students in the nation with a better work ethic than any other school because we go to “Work Forest,” yet we aren’t smart enough to work out the racial discrimination on our campus.
To be honest, sometimes I feel bad about being white and preppy. Why? Because some people on our campus make me feel that I should feel ashamed of the life that my parents gave me even though they worked day and night to give me a better life than they had growing up in rural West Virginia. 
So, please tell me why I shouldn’t judge you when you judge me for drinking Starbucks and wearing my letters. I’m a proud member of a sorority, and I love Starbucks. Why does that give you a reason to mock me? It shouldn’t.
I don’t want to make this article about my frustration with my personal experiences. This isn’t about Greek life, brands, or what you choose to do on the weekend; this is about the underlying tension that has driven our campus into reckless discussions about discrimination. 
Before the rap video controversy of last fall, the racial tension on campus wasn't very apparent to me. Despite the occasional whispers of people feeling treated differently, no one had said anything loud enough to start a movement. When the article on KA's party came out, I started to see things differently. 
I've never been the type of person to judge anyone by his or her skin color. My first boyfriend was bi-racial, a fact that did not affect our relationship in any significant way. I loved him for the person he is.
When all of the drama began on campus I felt like others considered me as a racist just because I am white. As far as I’m concerned, this discrimination goes both ways. 
Wake Forest, I believe that we’re smarter than this.
In this CNN article, Ben Carson, one of the many Republican presidential candidates, is quoted saying, "I operate on the thing that makes the person who they are. The skin doesn't matter to me. I really don't think those superficial characteristics have a place in society today."
That resonated with me far more than the prosecutions of our fellow Demon Deacons. Chalking the sidewalks, victimizing a fraternity when a small group of individuals are at fault and, most recently, analyzing my article. When I wrote an innocent, humorous article practically mocking our campuse's culture, it was analyzed far beyond my intentions. I have always been an advocate of ending the divide between the minorities and the majority on campus, so you see why it was a shock for me to be considered an advocate of white privilege. The Facebook turmoil is an incredible reflection on our campus.
Is White Privilege to Blame?
While -- as in any condensed community -- Wake Forest may inhabit some close minded, racist individuals, from my experience here, these individuals are low in number. Personally, I don’t think the problems on our campus stem from race, but from people’s insecurities. Like Carson said, race is a “superficial characteristic.”

Do you really find sorority girls, as a whole, annoying and b*tchy, or do you have a personal issue with a greek individual?

When I heard the line, "They judge me like a picture book by the colors, like they forgot to read," in Lana Del Ray's song "Brooklyn Baby," I couldn't help but think of how clearly that articulates discrimination.


Everyone at Wake has insecurities, many of which result from us trying to conquer society's unattainable standards. Look around. How many girls do you see with eating disorders? How many of your friends are on anxiety meds? How many have drug addictions? I feel anxiety just thinking about going back to the environment where my problems began.
Like the old saying goes, 'The grass isn't always greener on the other side.'
I think that once we truly understand each other we can look beyond people's outward appearances. 
Embrace Diversity
These insecurities are hindering our social climate from being the melting pot that it should be. 

When we arrived on campus our freshman year, we knew that Wake Forest University is generally a bubble of southern and northern preps located in Winston Salem, North Carolina. It was never a surprise to me that sundresses were common and that “y’all” was part of people’s regular vocabulary. Thinking any differently would be like going to New York University and not expecting the students’ wardrobes to be mainly black or attending West Virginia University and expecting to never see camo and blue jeans.
We go to a school that cherishes Arnold Palmer like he’s a saint and only mentions Chris Paul on occasion. Clearly there’s a problem that goes beyond the student body itself.
That doesn’t mean things won’t change. Minorities, we heard you loud and clear. Let’s put our differences aside and change our campus climate together. Stop judging my background and I’ll stop judging you.
We should accept each other for who we are and learn from our different backgrounds. 
Our backgrounds, our problems, and our futures are all different.
There are people who are fed with the silver spoon and fail just as much as there are people born without a dime and make it big.
Remember freshman year when most of the conversations we had were just trying to learn people’s backgrounds? Let’s take a step back and start from there. Let’s actually get to know people before accusing them of preps, thugs, rednecks, anything. 
According to the Wake Forest University website, “The College honors the ideals of liberal learning, which encourages habits of mind that ask ‘why,’ that evaluate evidence, that are open to new ideas, that attempt to understand and appreciate the perspectives of others, that accept complexity and grapple with it.” Wake Forest, I believe that’s true. I think that we’re allowing our insecurities to overcome our brains. How can we be open to new ideas if we aren’t open to each other?
I believe that Wake Forest University could be a model for society instead of an ugly carbon copy. Just because the rest of America is in turmoil over race doesn’t mean that we should be.
(note: since the publication of this post, the above article was reinstated to theodysseyonline.com.)

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Self-Employed, Vol. 3

Well people, the unthinkable happened: someone else hired me. Actually, a few someone elses hired me. Don't be intimidated, but you are now reading the words of a babysitter/temp worker/after-school-care-employee EXTRAORDINAIRE. In the words of Hallmark greeting cards, "When God closes a door, He hires you for part-time jobs."

I  know what you're all thinking: "Wow, Miley Cyrus really told Taylor Swift off in that Marie Claire interview. What does this mean for Ed Sheeran???" 

But that's not really what this blog is about. It's about me and how I hire myself to do really important jobs that make the world a better place. And I'm not going to quit doing it just because these other jobs pay me with money and get me out of the apartment or WHATEVER. I present to you...

* * *

SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 3: 
OFFICIAL NYC TOUR GUIDE

Ah, New York City. Who doesn't dream of visiting this urban paradise? If you're one of the trillion people (that's an accurate statistic) who will visit the city this year, you may only have a few days to swing around the concrete jungle. That's why I, Caroline Drew - your official guide to the Big Apple - am here to share the best and most beloved spots of NYC. 

Spot 1: The Sidewalk



This cemented walking platform ( nicknamed the "Sidewalk" by Rudy Giuliani in '96) is a MUST SEE. It's got everything from discarded cigarettes to homeless people. Pro tip: sometimes the Sidewalk stops and you have to step onto another walking platform (the "Street") but have no fear - Another piece of cement heaven is just a few steps away! 


Spot 2: The Tree In A Box


Some less official (and less pretty) tour guides might send you to the Metropolitan Museum of Art or the MOMA, but that's because they hate you. True New York Art cannot be contained by a building. It can, however, be contained by a box made of wooden planks. Just think about the skill it took to make such a piece! Paris has the Mona Lisa. Florence has the David. And New York City has "The Tree In A Box." (Note: TTIAB was constructed in 1603 by the ancestors of Frank Sinatra). 

Spot 3: This Place


Nothing says "Big Apple" like pills, dolphins, and induced sleep. Frequented by the Yankees, Lorne Michaels, and old Italian guys who work in pizza shops, this place will not disappoint...but it will make you go dream. 

Spot 4: Heels On Wheels


New York is famous for it's night life and there is no club more exciting, or more exclusive, than "Heels on Wheels." Located next to The Sidewalk, this club hosts raging dance parties in the bed of a truck that once belonged to Jackie O. Pro Tip: you MUST wear heels to be admitted and make sure to arrive early! There is only space for 12, maybe 13, guests. 

Spot 5: Curly Headed Guy



This is less of a "spot" and more of a "spotting." Forget what you heard about Jay-Z or FDR or rats on the subway - Curly Headed Guy is THE New Yorker. Rumor has it that if you're lucky enough to find this spiral-haired legend you will be granted 7 years of luck and all of your instagrams will get at least 10000 likes. As you can see in the above photo, I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the only other New Yorker who might be able to rival Curly Headed Guy's celebrity status: Curly Headed Guy's Girlfriend. She is like Curly Headed Guy, but with darker curls and lady parts. 

* * *

That's all for today people! Come back next time for more serious writing on this most serious of blogs. 










Thursday, July 16, 2015

Self-Employed, Vol 2.2

If you haven't been keeping up with this blog (I can only assume you were in a coma and just now woke up), allow me to fill you in:

On Monday, I hired myself as a Political Expert. I then used my expertise to comment on the current presidential candidates for the Democratic party. Today I will be moving on to the Republicans and the Women. I present to you...

* * *
SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.2 : POLITICAL EXPERT

Important: As I said in the last post, I am basing my evaluations of Presidential hopefuls entirely off of their potential "bad boy-ness." For more information on this read the disclaimer in my last post (evaluation explanation). 

THE BAD BOYS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY 

US Senator Lindsey Graham

Age: 60

State: South Carolina 

Lindsey Graham isn't smiling. He's showing the teeth he uses
to eat democrats for breakfast. 
When I saw there was a 'Lindsey' running for President, I thought, "Oh great. Another woman." And it's not that I don't think a woman could be president. It's just that I think they make much better kindergarten teachers. 

Something He Actually Said That Could Have Just As Easily Been A Line From An Action Movie With Lots Of Explosions/Fight Scenes: 

"[If I'm president and someone joins ISIS] I wouldn't call a judge. I"m gonna call a drone and we will kill you." (After saying this, the bald eagle that sits on Graham's right shoulder nodded in approval and said, 'damn straight'). 

What's The Most Bad Boy Nickname In The World: 

It's not Juicy J, I'll tell you that much. And while we're at it - Juicy J, change your nickname. You sound like a stripper/chewing gum. The correct answer is Graham's nickname which is "Warhawk." That is not a nickname normal people get. That's a nickname you get when you are a pilot with Tom Cruise and the rest of the volleyball team. 

His Response To The Hillary Email Scandal: 

The Warhawk (as I will always refer to him from now on) said that he would be happy to release all of his emails because he has literally never sent a single email in his entire life.  Sure, to not use the main form of professional communication is, well, unprofessional, but, you know who else doesn't use email? My grandfather. Paul Bunyan. The Liberty Bell. 

Former Governor George Pataki

Age: 70

State: New York

ATTN: The ex-governor is not a bad boy and therefore is not a valid candidate for the President of the United States. However, he is such a disappointment that I am including him as an example of who NOT to vote for. He is more of a disappointment than Pitch Perfect 2. He is more of a disappointment than I am to my parents. He is the worst and here's why. 

This is not the face of a bad boy. This is the face of
someone who is thinking about the dog they had that got run
over by a drunk mailman. Hold it together, Pataki,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US. 

Nerd Alert: 

He went to "Yale" on an "academic scholarship" and graduated "early." I put all that in quotes because there's not currently punctuation to show how much something annoys you. 

New York Is A Safer State Because Of Him: 

 When he was elected, NY was the 6th most dangerous (aka 6th most awesome) state in the nation. By the time he left in 2006, New York had been degraded to the 7th safest (aka 7th uncoolest) state. So thanks a lot, Pataki! You made New York lame! 

He Sullied The Pataki Name: 
(what Helga would do to George if
she ever met him)

If there was ever a girl who exuded bad boy-ness it was Helga Pataki. She punched a guy in the face on a regular basis and never bothered to shave her unibrow simply because she didn't feel like it. She is everything George is not and he doesn't deserve to share her surname!!!

Governor Scott Walker 

Age: 47

State: Wisconsin 
Someone asked Scott Walker if he was worried about
Jeb Bush.  Scott Walker preceded to laugh like this
for 20 minutes. 

Though it pains me to say it, Donald Trump is not the true bad boy of the Republican primaries. That title belongs to none other than Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Why? For starters, and I'm not making this up, for four years he led summer campaigns via a motorcyle tour called "The Executive Ride." That is real. More importantly,  Scott Walker is a candidate who just does. not. care. He gives zero bucks (Wisconsin humor, nailed it). 

He Doesn't Care About...

school. Scott Walker is running for President of the United States and he does not have a college degree. And if you think he cared about school before he dropped out, jokes on you, because when he left his GPA was scored at an impressively nonchalant 2.6. Suck it Pataki. 

He Doesn't Care About...

losing.  Here is a scientific fact - I have never lived in a world that allows Scott Walker to lose. That's right, since 1990 the Governor has not lost a single political race. 

...He's dropped out of some, but that's not the same as losing. It is the same as quitting, but quitting is cool. Like The Arctic Monkeys or smoking cigarettes. 

He Doesn't Care About...(and if you're going to read anything about Walker this should be it)

terrorists. In 2012, a faction of ungrateful Wisconsinites attempted to recall Walker. They failed - le duh - but their efforts did manage to gain some traction. At it's peak, the recall effort resulted in 100,000 people gathered at the state capitol in protest of the Governor's reign. In 2015, Walker referenced this experience when discussing international terrorism, saying, "If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world." Because if there is anything we know to be true it's that ISIS, though scary, is nothing compared a bunch of non-violent protestors from Wisconsin. 


AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S (SECOND) FAVORITES: 

THE FEMALE CANDIDATES!

Carly Fiorina, Businesswoman
Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton's Wife




















Since women can't technically be bad boys I am unable to endorse either of these candidates. And yes, they're in different political parties, but we all know that if two women are in a coed competition it's only fair if they are directly and exclusively compared only to each other. Therefore, I've come up with this helpful graph to evaluate Florin and Clinton (but seriously this just a little fun I'm having here. As with football coaches, firemen, and the all-state commercial guy, the role of president should always be filled by a man. But back to the fun!!): 

click on graph for a larger view



* * *

I hope reading this has been a serious experience for you. If you're looking for more serious and don't have time to watch The Wire, make sure to come back for Self-Employed, Volume 3. 

Monday, July 13, 2015

Self-Employed, Vol. 2.1

Let me just start this off by saying that I am not a quitter. If anything, I'm a completer. I'm a champion. I'm a see-it-to-the-end-clear-eyes-full-house-uncle-jesse-we-are-marshall kind of gal.

That being said, I quit my job. Predicting the future with those horoscopes was exhausting.  In the words of poet laureate, Raven Symone, 

" You could gaze into the future // You might think life would be a breeze // Seeing trouble from a distance // But then it's not that easy "

No, it's not easy. And I didn't hire myself for things to be hard. I hired myself so I could relate to women in romantic comedies trying to have it all. But don't worry people! Just because my new job is easier for me, it will still add approx. 1,000 blessings to your life. I present to you...

* * *

SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.1 : POLITICAL EXPERT 

Important: It should be noted that my evaluation of Presidential hopefuls is based entirely off of their "bad boy-ness". You see, as a woman, I am completely incapable of resisting anyone who seems like he might drive a motorcycle/wear a leather jacket/be mean to me because it's the only way he knows how to show love. Besides, we haven't had a true bad boy president since Taft - maybe even since Filmore. For those of you who are thinking, "but what about the female candidates??" Don't worry. I'll get to them. But only after I get to the men because history. 


First up, we have 

THE BAD BOYS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. 


Former Governor Lincoln Chafee

Chafee flaunting a notorious gang sign in public because he can
State: Rhode Island

Age: 62

Lincoln Chafee (yes, that’s his name, DEAL WITH IT HILLARY) is my second favorite for the democratic candidacy.  His gubernatorial career created the sexy, dangerous Rhode Island we all know and love. The NRA may have given him an “F” but Lincoln Chafee doesn’t care about grades. The guy went to horsehoeing school and they don’t even have grades there so HA. 

His Name Is Lincoln And He Loves To Party:

As of 2013, the ex-governor has been a member of the Republican, the Independent, and (most recently) the Democratic Party.  He is projected to join Aaron’s Party by the year 2017.  

Did He Run For A Second Term As Governor:

No. And it wasn’t because of the embarrassingly low approval ratings. It was because he needed to focus all of his energy on making women swoon/intimidating lesser men across the globe.

Only Drawback:

The name “Lincoln Chafee” is undeniably silly. However, like all Rhode Islanders, his parents were just following the legislation that requires all children to be named after 1) their father’s first car and 2) their mother’s first pet.


Former Governor Martin O’Malley

O'Malley doesn't need your approval or shirt sleeves. 
State: Maryland

Age: 52

Martin O'Malley!!! The rock and roll governor!!! Maryland!!! It's hard not to get excited about O'Malley. He's young (helloooo Mr. Under 60), he's attractive, and he acted in a John Travolta film. I won't say which one, but I won't say it wasn't Look Who's Talking. Ok, it wasn't that. But anyway, I'm sad to say that O'Malley couldn't manage to live up to his own bad boy hype. 

The Set Up:

Since 1998, O’Malley has been a member of a Celtic Rock Band – which, apparently, do exist – named “O’Malley’s March.” The governor gets major bad boy points for both the coolness of being in a rock group and the douchiness of naming it after himself. So awesome.  Plus, he's the lead singer and guitarist for the band.

The Let Down:

He is the lead singer, the guitarist, and the banjo player for his band. For his “rock and roll” band he plays the banjo. Bad boy points redacted. Go home Martin.

Former US Senator Jim Webb

Jim Webb tried to care once. But then,
oh yeah, he remembered he was Jim Webb.
State: VA

Age: 69 (hehehehe)

Jim Webb isn’t just another bad boy of the democratic party – he is THE bad boy of the democratic party. He is the one true bad ass. But, in the words of Nobel Prize winner, LeVar Burton, "You don’t have to take my word for it."

Ask His Woman:

who is 22 years younger than him. Throughout history, dating younger women has been a staple of the bad boy lifestyle. Just look at George Clooney, Hugh Hefner, and – the baddest of all - Woody Allen.

Ask His Black Friend:

who is definitely real and agrees with him on things like not taking down the Confederate Flag. You know it’s a real black guy and not just someone Jim made up because he says they were talking in a barbershop.  Where black guys exist. Obviously.

Ask His Political Aide:

who is probably still in awe of the Senator's classic practical joke.  In 2007, this aide was arrested for carrying a briefcase of Webb’s with a loaded pistol into the senate office building. Here’s the punchline: the aide didn’t know it was in there!!!!!! That prank is both dangerous and hilarious. I should say that Webb never officially came out and said it was a joke, but if that just happened that would be so incredibly dumb and so bizarrely awful I would wonder why this guy was even thinking of running for President....So hahaha good joke Jimmy! 

* * *

Get ready for the next Serious Blog about another serious political party with some serious bad boys. That's right, I'm talking about the Republicans. And let me tell you, these candidates are so bad I'm rating the next post GOPG-13!!! OOOHHH!! (but seriously with writing like this how does no one else want to hire me)







Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Self-Employed, Vol.1

People, I come to you today with some exciting news. You know how my parents paid upwards of 200k for my college education? And you know how I'm still at home with no job? Well, today is the day that all changes. After getting totally inspired (and, let's be honest, a little turned on) from perusing Donald  Trump's twitter page, it occurred to me that I don't need to wait around for someone to give me some sort of hand-out employment. This is America! The Donald says we need to create jobs for Americans! I'm an American AND I'm almost positive by "we" he specifically meant me and himself. Game on, DT, game on. 

(side-note: When is Charles Shultz going to green-light the "It's the Great Trumpkin, Charlie Brown" project America is begging for?) 

That's right people. I've decided to employ myself. The pay isn't great (see: nonexistent) but I'm allowed to work in the bath and my boss is a total babe. Plus, the first job I've hired myself to do is not only fulfilling for me, it's a service for you as well. I present to you...

* * *

SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 1 : HOROSCOPIST. 

Gemini: The stars are in your favor! You will hit every red light on the way home from work, but you won't make eye contact with anyone you used to go to high school with. 

Aries: OoOOo you'll think that you found yourself a cheerleader...but surprise! She's actually a member of the Color Guard. Tread lightly. 

Taurus: You'll change your name to Katie Couric because it's just so darn fun to say. 

 Virgo: You'll finally admit to your friends that you never watched Breaking Bad and you never will!!!!!

Cancer: Your horoscope sign is Cancer. Spoiler alert: it always looks bad for you. 

Libra: Uh oh, looks likes Grandma's email forwards were right -- since same-sex marriage is now legal in the US you'll be one of many straight Americans forced to be gay-married and live in San Franciso. 

Leo: Get ready for fun! This month, you'll go an anti-vaccine-adventure with Jim Carrey in which the two of you replace the helpful, disease preventing substances in vaccines with maple syrup. 

Scorpio: No one will post a photo with the caption "#cheatday" on your instagram feed AND YOU WILL BE GRATEFUL. 

Sagittarius: You'll try online dating, but not because you need it or anything. It's honestly, like, a joke to you, you're not lonely, single life is great. Shut up, Mom. 

Capricorn: Life will literally give you lemons and I swear to God you better not do something dumb like "make a gin and tonic" or "throw them at people." This is not some stupid joke. This is not a wooden sign hanging up at a beach house. Do the right thing and make the damn lemonade. 

Aquarius: The only YouTube ad you'll watch this month will be 'Dave from State Farm'. In other words, the stars love you. 

Pisces: You'll remember Shel Silverstein is dead and feel kind of sad about it for an afternoon. 


* * *

That's all for today. I'll see you next time on "Self-Employed: Volume 2." Unless, of course, someone else decides to employ me and - hahahahaha oh man, sorry about that. Just a little practical joke, can't help myself.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

(Belated) Movie Reviews By A Real, Established Critic Who You Should Respect

INTRODUCTION

Though I don't usually spend hours wandering about the internet while lying in bed and eating chips from a bag (I'm too busy exercising or helping urbanite children), I did happen to find something interesting on the web a few months ago. Timeout.com has published a list entitled "100 Best Comedy Movies." Before reading the rankings, I assumed a condescending confidence. After all, I would have already seen most of the movies because, hello, I am the expert on comedy. Have you heard of Portlandia? I have. 

However, it didn't take long for me to realize that when it came to the great films of comedy, I hadn't seen many of them. In fact, of the 100 movies on the list, I had only seen 18. 

I decided an education was in order. I would watch the entire list and as I did so, I would try to understand why (or, if) these movies deserved to be on the list of the best 100 of all time.  On an unrelated note, if you're looking to justify hours (upon hours, upon hours) of pure entertainment, just tell yourself it's for educational purposes. My conscience has dealt well with this reasoning. 

And now- because you'd rather read my opinions than those some "movie critic" who "does this for a living"- I present to you reviews of some of my favorite (and least favorite) films I've watched thus far from Timeout.com's 100 Best Comedy Movies: 

Note: Timeout's list is NOT a perfect list, in order or in inclusion. No Robin Williams? Please. That being said, the reporters at Timeout do seem to have done their homework and so we will at least give credit for that....but seriously, no Ferris Bueller's Day Off? 

Another Note: here is the list if you're interested in checking it out for yourself  
100 Best Comedy Movies According to Timeout.com


THE REVIEWS 



Animal House
Year: 1978
Timeout ranking: #66
Caroline's Opinion: Deserves to be in top 100, ranking seems right




Importance: Start of the long lasting romance between film and, well, bromance; the unofficial prequel to Old School
Pro: The nicknames which include Otter, Bluto, D-Day and Flounder
Con: I'm a John Belushi fan just as much as the next millennial trying to prove they have good taste, but I had trouble laughing at Bluto. He seemed to be a mix between a caveman who'd been dropped on the head as a child and an alien with a severe drinking problem...it's a real possibility that I was too busy worrying about his genetic makeup to get the humor.
Who should watch this: Anyone who is a supporter of (or, at least, not a total enemy of) fraternity life. It will make you feel like fraternities have a higher purpose and that even if you and your brothers rampage a float called "The Deathmobile" through a town parade, you can still get hired post-grad. 

Caddyshack 
Year: 1980
Timeout ranking: #85
Caroline's Opinion: Ranking should be higher, at least top 50




Importance: Bill Murray improvised all of his lines (including the infamous speech) so now we all have to consider the possibility that he might be a comedy wizard
Pro: It's easily the least boring way to watch golf on screen
Bonus Pro: Rodney Dangerfield vs. the WASPs
Con: If you are a stickler for regular plot structure with clear rising and falling action, this is not the movie for you. This movie is barely motivated by its central conflict (the competition for the caddy scholarship) and is instead propelled by constant silliness and merciless satire. 
Who Should Watch This: Anyone, really, but especially gophers. I don't want to give anything away, but, trust me -- gophers, you will love this. 


Coming To America
Year: 1988
Timeout ranking: #64
Caroline's Opinion: Ranking should probably be higher


Eddie Murphy, I promise 

Importance: The first film I've watched with Eddie Murphy in a starring role which wasn't Dr. Dolitte or Daddy Daycare
Pro: Eddie Murphy playing an old New York Jew
Con: It seems that a lot of critics at the time widely preferred Trading Places to Coming to America with one critic complaining that, "an Eddie Murphy movie would come to this." Dear God, if you're listening, please let that critic watch Dr. Dolittle 2.  
Who Should Watch This: My mom, apparently. I watched Coming to America with good ole Trish and it's probably the only movie with multiple uses of f*** that doesn't make her roll her eyes in disgust before saying "I just don't care for that language. Why do they have to use such foul words? Why not just say fooey or bug guts?"

Wayne's World
Year: 1992
Timeout ranking: #28
Caroline's Opinion: Deserves to be in top 100, ranking seems right




Importance: The stoner comedy that wasn't really a stoner comedy which seems to have paved the way for all the following stoner comedies which were definitely meant to be stoner comedies (if you're high that will make sense)
Pro: The most entertaining opening credits
Con: I'm always a little wary of Saturday Night Lives sketches remade into films. This is most likely because I am terrified of a Gilly movie. Please, SNL, don't make that. 
Who Should Watch This: Boys in middle school or anyone who occasionally enjoys middle school boys' humor 

There's Something About Mary 
Year: 1998
Timeout ranking: #27
Caroline's Opinion: Should not even be ranked


yeah, this is a part of the movie. are you racing to watch it now? 
Importance: Reminder that Matt Dillon exists. 
Pro: It's 119 minutes long which should be just enough time for you to have a nice nap. 
Con(s): The plot was served up as predictable, boring, and obnoxious with a side of boners-stuck-in-zippers jokes. I don't have a problem with low-brow humor, I just have this one requirement that it actually be funny. All of this is not to mention that this movie totally puts a black mark on one of the great actors of our time. Of course, I'm talking about Brett Favre.  It's like those Wrangler commercials never even happened now.  
Who Should Watch This: Die-hard Brett Favre fans who are willing to wait around until the final scene for his cameo. Also, this just in, I've already re-forgotten who Matt Dillon is. 

Rushmore
Year: 1998
Timeout ranking: #29
Caroline's Opinion: Ranking could be a little higher, but I'm ok with it




Importance: "I like your nurse's uniform, guy." "These are OR scrubs." "O, R they?"
Pro: Wes Anderson both wrote and directed this. 
Bonus Pro: Aforementioned potential comedy wizard, Bill Murray. 
Con: It pains me to say that Rushmore, a film I openly adore, was not written by Anderson alone, but was co-authored by none other than Owen Wilson. For some reason I really cannot explain (I've tried for years, trust me) Owen Wilson is someone who truly and deeply annoys me.  I do not like him. I do not like his voice. I do not like his face. I'm not saying it's ugly, I'm just saying I don't like it...so yeah, that's the one con of the movie. 
Who Should Watch This: If you already know you like Wes Anderson movies this one will not disappoint. Also, people who like good movies. They should watch this too. 

This is Spinal Tap
Year: 1984
Timeout ranking: #1
Caroline's Opinion: Not sure if it deserves #1, definitely top 20




Importance: I did my research on this one -- This is Spinal Tap was the first film mockumentary (that Wikipedia knows about)
Pro: The most entertaining ending credits. 
Bonus Pro: the song "Sex Farm."
Con: I shouldn't be allowed to review this movie because there was no way I wouldn't love it. Mockumentary style productions have always been my favorite and this one was done exceptionally well and without any real reference points to base itself off of. If you have a con, let me know. 
Who Should Watch This: Fans of The Office and Summer Heights High. This is the movie you've been waiting for. 


Afterword

I know what you're thinking-- how can I repay Caroline for her insightful critique of film? By telling me what to watch next! Or by telling me your opinion. But I'll warn you now, if your opinion differs with mine, I will have to assume you have suffered mild to severe brain damage because that's the only possible way you could disagree with the above reviews. 

If you will actually suggest a movie from the list for me to watch next, here are the ones I have already seen:

Sister Act (#100), Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (#91), Mean Girls (#90), Caddyshack (#85), Galaxy Quest (#84), Bridesmaids (#79), Old School (#76), National Lampoon's Animal House (#66), Elf (#65), Coming To America (#64), The Royal Tenenbaums (#61),  Happy Gilmore  (#59), The Hangover (#57), When Harry Met Sally (#50), Office Space (#45), Napoleon Dynamite (#38), Zoolander (#35), Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (#34), The Princess Bride (#31), Rushmore (#29), Wayne's World (#28), There's Something About Mary (#27), Dumb and Dumber (#22), Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (#21), Trading Places (#20), The Big Lebowski (#13), Groundhog Day (#8), Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (#6), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (#5), Airplane! (#2), This is Spinal Tap (#1)