Engagement Photo Ideas for Evan and Sarah

The only thing more important than your marriage is your engagement. And the most important part of your engagement is your engagement photoshoot! Hi, I'm Caroline Drew, and I'm a seasoned engagement photoshoot photographer. If you - or any of your friends - are looking to memorialize the most important, most romantic, and (apparently) most artistically confusing part of your life, consider hiring me to get the job done! 

For reference, please see below the shot list from a recent job I completed for newly engaged couple, Evan and Sarah. Let me know if you have any questions! 

•        Sarah and Evan, smiling at each other
•        Sarah’s hand on Evan’s slightly ajar mouth
•        Just the feet, standing on train tracks
•       Just the feet, standing in a field of wheat
• Note to self, find field of wheat 
•        Evan carrying Sarah over pile of trash
•        Sarah puts finger/thumb in shape of L on forehead, Evan laughing because he gets it
•        Evan in warrior pose, Sarah doing a forward roll
•        Evan shaping Sarah’s eyebrows
•        Just the feet, standing next to a crime scene
•        Solo shot: Evan burning photos of ex-girlfriends
•        Sarah and Evan kissing in front of a family of squirrels
•        “Silly” shot: Sarah throwing her Samsung Galaxy Phone at Evan’s face
•        Evan going up a down escalator, Sarah giving the "A-OK" sign
•        Just the feet, standing on a valuable piece of art
•        Solo shot: Sarah sacrificing blood to the engagement ring
•        Sarah lying down, Evan pretending to stake a flag in her chest that reads “Just Like Ross and Rachel”
•        Foreground: Evan smiling; Background: Sarah eating a big ole meatball sub
•        Close up of scrabble letters spelling out “LOVE” with the ring as “O”
•        Close up of scabble letters spelling out “YOU LAUGH NOW BUT YOU HAVE TO BUY US PRESENTS SOON” with the ring somewhere nearby idk

Rapist Refuses To Be Defined By 20 Minutes Of Swimming

By Caroline Drew 

"I'm so much more than this."

These are the words of area man and known rapist - Jim Erikson - who, last week, was found guilty of swimming in a pond near his place of residence. Though there is no way to know how long exactly he swam, medical reports judge that his body was intentionally submerged for at least 20 minutes. 

Erikson was found by two out-of-town bikers. One commented, "There he was, in the water. Smiling and doing the backstroke. It made me want to throw up." 

Naturally, other members of the community had similar reactions.  The act of swimming has long been considered an offense against basic humanity (what are we, fish people?) and many are calling for Erikson's imprisonment. 

Others, however, are wary of passing judgement, largely due to Erikson's impressive raping record. 

Prior to the shameful act of swimming, Erikson was one of the area's premier rapists. In the past year alone, his assault victims include 40 women, 11 men, 3 dogs, and at least 1 birdhouse.  Erikson is also known for being particularly vicious and cruel in his attacks, an attribute which has lead to him being gifted a key to the city, as well as being named King of the "Grope Float" in the 4th of July parade. 

But is any of this enough to eclipse the fact that he has been convicted in a court of law for swimming - an act that only the most base and vile of humankind are willing to commit? 

Erikson's father, George Erikson, recently took to the internet to defend his now humiliated son, "20 years of doing some of the best raping this town has ever seen and this is how he's treated? No. He's lived too good a life - raped too many people - and I won't stand for it." 

Strong words from an impassioned father. But the logic remains that regardless of whether one swims for 20 minutes or for 20 years, you swam. And no amount of non-consensual sex can change that. 

Dear Humans: A Letter From The Dog Who Learned How To Read

Hello serious readers. It's time for another edition of the Serious Blog. Unlike other posts, I will not be your guide into the serious today. Instead, I will be serving as facilitator between you, my serious audience, and Max, my serious contributor.

Who is Max? Max is the dog who learned how to read. However, Max is not exactly happy with what he found in the written world of man. But I'll let him speak for himself. I now present to you,

"DEAR HUMANS: A LETTER FROM THE DOG WHO LEARNED HOW TO READ"

Dear humans, 

It's me, Max, the dog who learned how to read. I'm sure you're all very curious about how I was able to overcome my illiteracy unlike all of my canine brothers and sisters before me), but I feel that there is a more pressing matter at hand. 

The matter in question is the treatment of dogs in human literature. 

Humans, I ask you now plainly: WHY DO YOU HATE DOGS? 

Because you must hate us. There's no other explanation for the injuries we've been subjected to in the many titles - acclaimed ones even - which feature a canine character. To prove my point, I've arranged some of my reviews of your beloved dog publications here. Ahem. 

Old Yeller

As I recall, the story goes like this: Dad leaves family; Dog comes to family; Boy is ungrateful of Dog's love; Boy finally starts to appreciate Dog's love; Dog saves family from wolf; Dog is sick because of aforementioned act of bravery and self-sacrifice; Boy shoots Dog in face. 

Love That Dog

This title was deceiving as it implies that the Dog is the object of love in this story and not the object of the total destruction of his existence. I will admit that the Boy in this novella does appear to truly love his Dog. But that wasn't enough for our author. Rather, she thought to herself "Hm. I've got a great story here with the boy and the dog and mutual affection, but what could really make this book for third graders a best seller?" Surprise! The answer was KILLING THE DOG. And you know what? It was a best seller. 

The Art of Racing in the Rain 

I really thought this one was going to be different. The bulk of the novel is spent detailing all awful things which happen to the Humans for a change with the Dog playing the respectable counterpart of supportive and loving companion. The book was even told from the Dog's point of view. How progressive!

But does he get to live? Not a chance. He dies. And according to this author, he's planning on reincarnating as a human. Because he's Buddhist. Just to clarify, covering up your litricide (genocide in literature) with belief systems does not work. And it doesn't make sense. If anything, we dogs are Hasidic. Or Mormon. 

Marley and Me

Ah yes, the memoir of the bunch. The author remembers how the Dog helps to shape and nurture his most important relationships and life events before DYING a HUMILIATING DEATH of which the author spares NO DETAIL. If dogs do reincarnate, Marley is going to come back as a bigger man than this author and hit him square in the nose. 

Sounder 

Dog Death. 

Red Dog 

Dog Death. 

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime 

Dog Death (Note: this has just been adapted for Broadway. I'm sure the musical numbers are thrilling). 

Where the Red Fern Grows and Call of the Wild 

Multiple Dog Death. 

A Dog's Purpose 

More Dog reincarnation leading to multiple deaths of one Dog. 

And finally, Dog Heaven 

A picture book to make children feel better about the dog death they're sure to encounter in thousands of other books during their lifetime. 

On behalf of dogs everywhere, I would like to know what our breed did to deserve these lethal roles. Furthermore, I would like to request that all of the above publications be banned for insensitivity and misrepresentation. Oh, and you can go ahead and ban The Poky Puppy as well. That one is just plain insulting. 

Sincerely, Max (the Dog who's learned how to read)

The Pros And Cons Of Columbus

Happy Columbus Day people!

That's right - what used to be everyone's 4th favorite day of the year (or 5th, depending on how you feel about Arbor Day) is back. Now, the reason I say "used to be" is because recently there's been a lot of buzz about how maybe we shouldn't be celebrating that spunky Spanish adventurer who is credited with finding the Americas before any other white guy. 

This is a serious issue and a serious argument; ergo, I had no choice but to look into the matter for my readers. Sure, our country is dealing with issues of gun violence, natural disasters and an upcoming presidential election, but what could be MORE deserving of our attention than this? I mean, it's a holiday. Kids get off school for this. The DMV is closed. Macy's is probably having a sale for God's sake. And I happen to know for a FACT that we in the United States never, EVER celebrate the memory of any other questionable historical figures. So, should we celebrate Señor Colombo? There's only one way to figure out. I present to you, 

THE PRO AND CON LIST OF
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS*.

(NOTE: For anyone who says "a pro and con list? But this is serious!" I'll have you know that the pro and con list method was behind such important decisions as the separation of Church and State, the 19th amendment, and the continuation of Law and Order:SVU to at least 1000 seasons. So hush.)

The Cons:

1) He was really bad at saying "thank you." For example, when the Santa Maria was shipwrecked at what is now the Bahamas, the natives worked tirelessly to save Columbus and his crew and cargo. Obviously, Columbus wanted to express his gratitude - the guy wasn't a monster - but he got confused. Instead of giving them a fruit basket or a tip of his funny hat, he went on to brutally attack and terrorize their villages for years. Oops!

2) He thought the land he had found was the "Indies" as evidenced by his referring to the natives as "Indians." I think I speak for every American who has ever been or will be when I say, WHAT THE CAPITAL F, MR COLUMBUS??? I know this all happened centuries before the Untied States existed, but still. BUT STILL. How dare he, he with his inability to see into the future, pre-misrepresent our country??? I don't care that he's dead - Toby Keith will be hearing about this and oh buddy, just you wait for the song that's coming your way. 

3) He was not - I repeat he was not - the first white guy to find the Americas. That title actually belongs to Leif Erikson who got there 500 years before ole' Colombo. As someone who knows a lot of white guys, I feel personally offended by this. Columbus can't just go around claiming other white men's legacies! What will the history books say next? That Columbus was the first to fly a plane?  The first to develop the Polio vaccine? The first to run his dad's hedge fund? I DON'T THINK SO. 

The Pros: 

1) That rhyme with his name is pretty catchy. Plus, it's got to be the only reason any of us ever talk about the year 1492. 

2) He, well, he tried - no that's bad too. Okay, I can do this. The second voyage....no, that wasn't great....or maybe.....hmmm...OH! Alright, I've got it! He wasn't Hitler. Good job Columbus. Good job on not being Hitler. 

Conclusion: 

I don't know, people. I hate to get rid of any day that is the direct cause of 15% discounts on sleek and chic Macy's apparel, but I don't really see any way out of this. Columbus seems like a bad guy and not in a casual, ambiguous, John Mayer sort of way, but in a very obvious, imperialistic-slave-master kind of way. I mean, just look at this picture. Even Columbus seemed to know he was as bad guy. 

Remember, that's not a photo from a camera; that's a painting. So when the artist said, "Okay make the face you want to be remembered for," Columbus said, "Oh, I know just the one." 

White Sorority Girls Have It Just As Hard As Racial Minorities, Thank You Very Much

While the rest of the country is still floundering to deal with all of those icky race issues, there's at least one place in America that's got it figured out: Wake Forest University. Thanks to a student at my old stomping grounds, the internet got an article last night that combines graceful intelligence with sensitive empathy to essentially say, 'Hey minorities, we get it. But if you're going to judge me for being in a sorority, I can't stop judging you for being a different race.'

Reaction to the article was pretty harsh, even leading to it being removed from theodysseyonline.com. But not before I had a chance to read some of the nasty comments. And not before I had the chance to copy and paste the article here. 

I've decided to defend this article and its author. If you've yet to read the article yourself, please direct your attention to the elegant essay below before reading my review. In seriousness, Caroline 

(note: I removed the author's name to protect her from further stereotyping based on her coffee drinks and the group of friends who accept her). 

My Defense Of This Article - In 7 Parts

1) The author admits to feeling bad sometimes about her race and fashion choices.

2) The author quotes two of the leading voices in racial equality - Ben Carson and Lana Del Rey. Had she mentioned the Pillsbury Dougboy, she would have had the trifecta.

3) The author states that before the "Rap Video" controversery she did not notice any racial tension on the WFU campus. And if she didn't notice it, then it wasn't there. Science.

4) The author reminds us of the saying, "The grass isn't greener on the other side." You might find the use of this insensitive, but all she means is that while racial minorities might *think* it's easier to be white in America, they are soooooOoOoOooo wrong.

5) The author CLEARLY recognizes the MAIN ISSUE of racial discrimination on campus: the greater number of tributes to Arnold Palmer than of those to Chris Paul.

6) The author says that she heard you, minorities. She might not have heard what you were saying "exactly", but she heard you. And that's what you wanted. You're welcome.

7) If you stop judging her (for starbucks and sorority letters) she'll stop judging you (for your skin color and generations of prejudice that have systematically disenfranchised and oppressed others like you). Win, Win.

Finally, I think some of you haters might be forgetting she went to prom with a bi-racial guy. So she's allowed to say whatever she wants.

And now, the article:

Wake Forest University's Racial Divide

It's time to talk.

(author's name) in 500 Words On on Aug 16, 2015

An Aggravated Deacon

At Wake Forest University, nationally ranked 27^th, we pride ourselves on being some of the most educated students in the nation with a better work ethic than any other school because we go to “Work Forest,” yet we aren’t smart enough to work out the racial discrimination on our campus.

To be honest, sometimes I feel bad about being white and preppy. Why? Because some people on our campus make me feel that I should feel ashamed of the life that my parents gave me even though they worked day and night to give me a better life than they had growing up in rural West Virginia. 

So, please tell me why I shouldn’t judge you when you judge me for drinking Starbucks and wearing my letters. I’m a proud member of a sorority, and I love Starbucks. Why does that give you a reason to mock me? It shouldn’t.

I don’t want to make this article about my frustration with my personal experiences. This isn’t about Greek life, brands, or what you choose to do on the weekend; this is about the underlying tension that has driven our campus into reckless discussions about discrimination. 

Before the rap video controversy of last fall, the racial tension on campus wasn't very apparent to me. Despite the occasional whispers of people feeling treated differently, no one had said anything loud enough to start a movement. When the article on KA's party came out, I started to see things differently. 

I've never been the type of person to judge anyone by his or her skin color. My first boyfriend was bi-racial, a fact that did not affect our relationship in any significant way. I loved him for the person he is.

When all of the drama began on campus I felt like others considered me as a racist just because I am white. As far as I’m concerned, this discrimination goes both ways. 

Wake Forest, I believe that we’re smarter than this.

In this CNN article, Ben Carson, one of the many Republican presidential candidates, is quoted saying, "I operate on the thing that makes the person who they are. The skin doesn't matter to me. I really don't think those superficial characteristics have a place in society today."

That resonated with me far more than the prosecutions of our fellow Demon Deacons. Chalking the sidewalks, victimizing a fraternity when a small group of individuals are at fault and, most recently, analyzing my article. When I wrote an innocent, humorous article practically mocking our campuse's culture, it was analyzed far beyond my intentions. I have always been an advocate of ending the divide between the minorities and the majority on campus, so you see why it was a shock for me to be considered an advocate of white privilege. The Facebook turmoil is an incredible reflection on our campus.

Is White Privilege to Blame?

While -- as in any condensed community -- Wake Forest may inhabit some close minded, racist individuals, from my experience here, these individuals are low in number. Personally, I don’t think the problems on our campus stem from race, but from people’s insecurities. Like Carson said, race is a “superficial characteristic.”

Do you really find sorority girls, as a whole, annoying and b*tchy, or do you have a personal issue with a greek individual?

When I heard the line, "They judge me like a picture book by the colors, like they forgot to read," in Lana Del Ray's song "Brooklyn Baby," I couldn't help but think of how clearly that articulates discrimination.

Everyone at Wake has insecurities, many of which result from us trying to conquer society's unattainable standards. Look around. How many girls do you see with eating disorders? How many of your friends are on anxiety meds? How many have drug addictions? I feel anxiety just thinking about going back to the environment where my problems began.

Like the old saying goes, 'The grass isn't always greener on the other side.'

I think that once we truly understand each other we can look beyond people's outward appearances. 

Embrace Diversity

These insecurities are hindering our social climate from being the melting pot that it should be. 

When we arrived on campus our freshman year, we knew that Wake Forest University is generally a bubble of southern and northern preps located in Winston Salem, North Carolina. It was never a surprise to me that sundresses were common and that “y’all” was part of people’s regular vocabulary. Thinking any differently would be like going to New York University and not expecting the students’ wardrobes to be mainly black or attending West Virginia University and expecting to never see camo and blue jeans.

We go to a school that cherishes Arnold Palmer like he’s a saint and only mentions Chris Paul on occasion. Clearly there’s a problem that goes beyond the student body itself.

That doesn’t mean things won’t change. Minorities, we heard you loud and clear. Let’s put our differences aside and change our campus climate together. Stop judging my background and I’ll stop judging you.

We should accept each other for who we are and learn from our different backgrounds. 

Our backgrounds, our problems, and our futures are all different.

There are people who are fed with the silver spoon and fail just as much as there are people born without a dime and make it big.

Remember freshman year when most of the conversations we had were just trying to learn people’s backgrounds? Let’s take a step back and start from there. Let’s actually get to know people before accusing them of preps, thugs, rednecks, anything. 

According to the Wake Forest University website, “The College honors the ideals of liberal learning, which encourages habits of mind that ask ‘why,’ that evaluate evidence, that are open to new ideas, that attempt to understand and appreciate the perspectives of others, that accept complexity and grapple with it.” Wake Forest, I believe that’s true. I think that we’re allowing our insecurities to overcome our brains. How can we be open to new ideas if we aren’t open to each other?

I believe that Wake Forest University could be a model for society instead of an ugly carbon copy. Just because the rest of America is in turmoil over race doesn’t mean that we should be.

(note: since the publication of this post, the above article was reinstated to theodysseyonline.com.)

Self-Employed, Vol. 3

Well people, the unthinkable happened: someone else hired me. Actually, a few someone elses hired me. Don't be intimidated, but you are now reading the words of a babysitter/temp worker/after-school-care-employee EXTRAORDINAIRE. In the words of Hallmark greeting cards, "When God closes a door, He hires you for part-time jobs."

I  know what you're all thinking: "Wow, Miley Cyrus really told Taylor Swift off in that Marie Claire interview. What does this mean for Ed Sheeran???" 

But that's not really what this blog is about. It's about me and how I hire myself to do really important jobs that make the world a better place. And I'm not going to quit doing it just because these other jobs pay me with money and get me out of the apartment or WHATEVER. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED, VOLUME 3: 

OFFICIAL NYC TOUR GUIDE

Ah, New York City. Who doesn't dream of visiting this urban paradise? If you're one of the trillion people (that's an accurate statistic) who will visit the city this year, you may only have a few days to swing around the concrete jungle. That's why I, Caroline Drew - your official guide to the Big Apple - am here to share the best and most beloved spots of NYC. 

Spot 1: The Sidewalk

This cemented walking platform ( nicknamed the "Sidewalk" by Rudy Giuliani in '96) is a MUST SEE. It's got everything from discarded cigarettes to homeless people. Pro tip: sometimes the Sidewalk stops and you have to step onto another walking platform (the "Street") but have no fear - Another piece of cement heaven is just a few steps away! 

Spot 2: The Tree In A Box

Some less official (and less pretty) tour guides might send you to the Metropolitan Museum of Art or the MOMA, but that's because they hate you. True New York Art cannot be contained by a building. It can, however, be contained by a box made of wooden planks. Just think about the skill it took to make such a piece! Paris has the Mona Lisa. Florence has the David. And New York City has "The Tree In A Box." (Note: TTIAB was constructed in 1603 by the ancestors of Frank Sinatra). 

Spot 3: This Place

Nothing says "Big Apple" like pills, dolphins, and induced sleep. Frequented by the Yankees, Lorne Michaels, and old Italian guys who work in pizza shops, this place will not disappoint...but it will make you go dream. 

Spot 4: Heels On Wheels

New York is famous for it's night life and there is no club more exciting, or more exclusive, than "Heels on Wheels." Located next to The Sidewalk, this club hosts raging dance parties in the bed of a truck that once belonged to Jackie O. Pro Tip: you MUST wear heels to be admitted and make sure to arrive early! There is only space for 12, maybe 13, guests. 

Spot 5: Curly Headed Guy

This is less of a "spot" and more of a "spotting." Forget what you heard about Jay-Z or FDR or rats on the subway - Curly Headed Guy is THE New Yorker. Rumor has it that if you're lucky enough to find this spiral-haired legend you will be granted 7 years of luck and all of your instagrams will get at least 10000 likes. As you can see in the above photo, I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the only other New Yorker who might be able to rival Curly Headed Guy's celebrity status: Curly Headed Guy's Girlfriend. She is like Curly Headed Guy, but with darker curls and lady parts. 

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That's all for today people! Come back next time for more serious writing on this most serious of blogs. 

Self-Employed, Vol 2.2

If you haven't been keeping up with this blog (I can only assume you were in a coma and just now woke up), allow me to fill you in:

On Monday, I hired myself as a Political Expert. I then used my expertise to comment on the current presidential candidates for the Democratic party. Today I will be moving on to the Republicans and the Women. I present to you...

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SELF-EMPLOYED VOLUME 2.2 : POLITICAL EXPERT

Important: As I said in the last post, I am basing my evaluations of Presidential hopefuls entirely off of their potential "bad boy-ness." For more information on this read the disclaimer in my last post (evaluation explanation). 

THE BAD BOYS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY 

US Senator Lindsey Graham

Age: 60

State: South Carolina 

Lindsey Graham isn't smiling. He's showing the teeth he uses
to eat democrats for breakfast. 

When I saw there was a 'Lindsey' running for President, I thought, "Oh great. Another woman." And it's not that I don't think a woman could be president. It's just that I think they make much better kindergarten teachers. 

Something He Actually Said That Could Have Just As Easily Been A Line From An Action Movie With Lots Of Explosions/Fight Scenes: 

"[If I'm president and someone joins ISIS] I wouldn't call a judge. I"m gonna call a drone and we will kill you." (After saying this, the bald eagle that sits on Graham's right shoulder nodded in approval and said, 'damn straight'). 

What's The Most Bad Boy Nickname In The World: 

It's not Juicy J, I'll tell you that much. And while we're at it - Juicy J, change your nickname. You sound like a stripper/chewing gum. The correct answer is Graham's nickname which is "Warhawk." That is not a nickname normal people get. That's a nickname you get when you are a pilot with Tom Cruise and the rest of the volleyball team. 

His Response To The Hillary Email Scandal: 

The Warhawk (as I will always refer to him from now on) said that he would be happy to release all of his emails because he has literally never sent a single email in his entire life.  Sure, to not use the main form of professional communication is, well, unprofessional, but, you know who else doesn't use email? My grandfather. Paul Bunyan. The Liberty Bell. 

Former Governor George Pataki

Age: 70

State: New York

ATTN: The ex-governor is not a bad boy and therefore is not a valid candidate for the President of the United States. However, he is such a disappointment that I am including him as an example of who NOT to vote for. He is more of a disappointment than Pitch Perfect 2. He is more of a disappointment than I am to my parents. He is the worst and here's why. 

This is not the face of a bad boy. This is the face of
someone who is thinking about the dog they had that got run
over by a drunk mailman. Hold it together, Pataki,
YOU'RE EMBARRASSING US. 

Nerd Alert: 

He went to "Yale" on an "academic scholarship" and graduated "early." I put all that in quotes because there's not currently punctuation to show how much something annoys you. 

New York Is A Safer State Because Of Him: 

 When he was elected, NY was the 6th most dangerous (aka 6th most awesome) state in the nation. By the time he left in 2006, New York had been degraded to the 7th safest (aka 7th uncoolest) state. So thanks a lot, Pataki! You made New York lame! 

He Sullied The Pataki Name: 

(what Helga would do to George if
she ever met him)

If there was ever a girl who exuded bad boy-ness it was Helga Pataki. She punched a guy in the face on a regular basis and never bothered to shave her unibrow simply because she didn't feel like it. She is everything George is not and he doesn't deserve to share her surname!!!

Governor Scott Walker 

Age: 47

State: Wisconsin 

Someone asked Scott Walker if he was worried about
Jeb Bush.  Scott Walker preceded to laugh like this
for 20 minutes. 

Though it pains me to say it, Donald Trump is not the true bad boy of the Republican primaries. That title belongs to none other than Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Why? For starters, and I'm not making this up, for four years he led summer campaigns via a motorcyle tour called "The Executive Ride." That is real. More importantly,  Scott Walker is a candidate who just does. not. care. He gives zero bucks (Wisconsin humor, nailed it). 

He Doesn't Care About...

school. Scott Walker is running for President of the United States and he does not have a college degree. And if you think he cared about school before he dropped out, jokes on you, because when he left his GPA was scored at an impressively nonchalant 2.6. Suck it Pataki. 

He Doesn't Care About...

losing.  Here is a scientific fact - I have never lived in a world that allows Scott Walker to lose. That's right, since 1990 the Governor has not lost a single political race. 

...He's dropped out of some, but that's not the same as losing. It is the same as quitting, but quitting is cool. Like The Arctic Monkeys or smoking cigarettes. 

He Doesn't Care About...(and if you're going to read anything about Walker this should be it)

terrorists. In 2012, a faction of ungrateful Wisconsinites attempted to recall Walker. They failed - le duh - but their efforts did manage to gain some traction. At it's peak, the recall effort resulted in 100,000 people gathered at the state capitol in protest of the Governor's reign. In 2015, Walker referenced this experience when discussing international terrorism, saying, "If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world." Because if there is anything we know to be true it's that ISIS, though scary, is nothing compared a bunch of non-violent protestors from Wisconsin. 

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S (SECOND) FAVORITES: 

THE FEMALE CANDIDATES!

Carly Fiorina, Businesswoman

Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton's Wife

Since women can't technically be bad boys I am unable to endorse either of these candidates. And yes, they're in different political parties, but we all know that if two women are in a coed competition it's only fair if they are directly and exclusively compared only to each other. Therefore, I've come up with this helpful graph to evaluate Florin and Clinton (but seriously this just a little fun I'm having here. As with football coaches, firemen, and the all-state commercial guy, the role of president should always be filled by a man. But back to the fun!!): 

click on graph for a larger view

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I hope reading this has been a serious experience for you. If you're looking for more serious and don't have time to watch The Wire, make sure to come back for Self-Employed, Volume 3.