The Ex-Annex Plan Makes Everyone Angry

This post begins with a story:

Once upon a time, in 2010, there was a 17 year old high school senior who had fourth period free. She spent this hour eating lunch with friends and engaging in lively conversation (mostly about English projects and how college was going to be like, so much cooler than high school).  It was during one of these lunch room discussions that the Ex-Annex Plan was born. 

The Ex-Annex Plan remained a popular debate for many fourth periods to follow and eventually, the girl and her friends decided to write down their brilliant plan.  Fortunately, I have access to this document of controversy and ingenuity.

Mainly because I was that 17 year old girl (WHAT?? Who saw that coming??).  If the Ex-Annex Plan was our Declaration of Independence, then I am Thomas Jefferson. I was the primary author of this plan...which means by the end of this post you're going to hate me.  

I present to you excerpts of the 2010 EX-ANNEX PLAN.

To whom it may concern:

Listen up citizens. It’s time we took a stand. Against who you may ask? Against half of our nation. Let’s face it- there is no way with a country of our size that we can actually have a government for and/or by the people. Said people will never be pleased when our opinions are spread across such a wide board. Luckily for you, my esteemed group of colleagues and I have a solution called the EX-ANNEX PLAN. 

First off, the EX-ANNEX PLAN is not asking for a second Civil War. No one is seceding, we are simply kicking out twenty-five states.  This will be a peaceful divergence in all aspects.  Citizens in states which are not rejected (and those in states which are) will still be able to travel across what is now the United States with ease.  Trade relations will be amicable, provided all states (accepted and rejected) cooperate with the plan.  

And now for some of the rejected states: 

Idaho:  One of our committee members actually protested when this state was declared rejected saying, "but Idaho has the potatoes!" Yes, Idaho does have potatoes. But that's it. ALL IDAHO HAS IS POTATOES. When people think of Idaho, the first (and only) thing that comes to mind is potatoes. Potatoes people. Possibly the most boring food on the entire planet. I'm getting bored just typing potatoes so many times.  You say potato, I say BORING.  The point is, Idaho (and their potatoes) are rejected. 

Alaska:  This state is simply too far away.  Why should people living next to Russia get to vote on my president? It’s unjust! Personally, I do not believe the Alaskans will be very bothered by their rejection.  They’re so far away I’m guessing that they have been making their own rules for quite some time. 

Kansas:  Being in the region of the country titled "tornado alley" means that there are numerous tornadoes here each year. If you do not know what a tornado is, I suggest watching the movie Twister...or the Wizard of Oz. Basically, tornadoes are a health risks which rip houses off the ground and crush poor, innocent, unsuspecting witches.  Our new nation will be one in which keeping your house on the ground is encouraged (and murder is discouraged, DOROTHY).

Oregon: Everyone likes to be the best at something. Everyone likes to be 'number one' in their particular area of expertise, that is just how it is. Unfortunately, Oregon is number one in forest fires. If you’re confused let me make this simple for you- fire = bad. fire + forest = worse. 

Maine:  Yes, I know Maine is pretty. And yes I know that Maine has good lobster. But we don't need them in our country. We have to be practical people. Would I like to visit on Christmas break sometime? Sure, why not. Maine, we like you we just do not need you. I hope you understand. 

North/South Dakota: Do I really have to explain the lack of culture in the Dakotas? Dare I say it, the Dakotas are more boring than Idaho.  I don't know why anyone would live in these states unless they had a severe allergy to everything not boring.

And now for some of the accepted states: 

Montana: The natural beauty found in this state is exquisite.  THE EX-ANNEX PLAN likes pretty things, like Taylor Lautner and Chace Crawford*. (*proof we wrote this in 2010) Nevada: Nevada is home to city of Las Vegas which I believe should replace Paris as the city of love. How many drive through wedding chapels do they have in Paris? I'm guessing none. As far as culture goes, Nevada has more in one city than Idaho has in a million of its potatoes. Critics might say that this is a poor selection, but we're betting on Nevada  Connecticut: This is the richest state in the nation and people love money. THE EX-ANNEX PLAN wants to make people happy. Connecticut, congratulations on being accepted (even if it is only for your money). Pennsylvania: It gives me great joy to grant acceptance to this valuable state. Pennsylvania is the home to one of the most important industries in the United States of America. I shudder to think how the nation would cope without it. As you have most likely already guessed I am referring to Hershey's Chocolate. The people have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (also known as chocolate). Mississippi: There is not a single child who goes through elementary school without learning how to spell Mississippi.  Even as I type the state's name I feel a sort of pride that I am one of the elite who manages to spell it correctly.  Moving on, there is a popular phrase in Alabama: "Thank God for Mississippi."  This phrase refers to the fact that no matter how bad your state seems, no matter how low you are ranked in demographics, Mississippi will have you beat. Someone has to be at the bottom and Mississippi does it with grace.  Minnesota: Minnesota houses the "Mall of America." Let us take a moment of silence to appreciate this......ok, now we're good. This is the BIGGEST shopping center in all of America. There are roller coasters inside. It's like heaven with price tags. Thank you Minnesota, thank you.  The moral of this story: if you want to start a heated, I mean seriously heated, debate, just pull out a map of the USA with your friends and try to kick out 25 states.  Just for fun, here's the complete list of our rejected/accepted states. Rejected states are red. Enjoy! (and please don't hate me...)  Alabama Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming (Feel free to ask if you want our silly reasoning behind any of these rejections/acceptions)