Space Jam Revealed To Be Documentary

Almost 20 years after its original release, creators of Space Jam bring shocking news to the public: this beloved film is actually a documentary. During an exclusive press conference held this week, Space Jam Director Joe Pytka gave away the long kept secret.

Space Jam Director, Joe Pytka

"When we first made Space Jam," said Pytka, "we never thought it would get so big. It was a documentary, so we figured maybe we'd garner some awards at a few small film festivals."

But much to Pytka's surprise, the movie took off.  Space Jam would capture the heart of America, earning an impressive $90 million in the US box office.

"To say we were shocked is an understatement.  All of a sudden, we had a blockbuster on our hands."

Even more to Pytka's and the rest of the Space Jam team's surprise, viewers thought the film was entirely fabricated. The presence of characters such as Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, and Marvin the Martian certainly contributed to their misunderstanding. Famed NBA all star and Space Jam lead, Michael Jordan, was available for comment.

Said Jordan about the misconception, "I couldn't believe that everyone thought I was that good of an actor. If I wasn't really playing with Lola and Taz and the gang, how could it have looked so realistic?"

A scene which Jordan swears "could not have been more real"

Pytka, Jordan, and others realized that to continue the success of Space Jam it was best to agree with (and thus not correct) their audience. Pytka explained that producers were so excited about the money rolling in that they were determined to let the American people think whatever they wanted. Of course, not everyone was happy about this decision.

"That was weally wude of them," grumbled Elmer Fudd, who this reporter found lurking on the edges of the press conference. Fudd was open about his anger concerning Space Jam's perception.

"We signed on to the pwoject in hopes to get dwafted into the real NBA. But who's going to hire a 'fictional chawacter?' Nobody. Here I am, still hunting wabbits.Which, if you haven't noticed, I'm pwetty tewwible at. I can't even say wabbits wight. You know what word I can say though? Basketball."

Elmer Fudd, Displaying His Lackluster Wabbit Hunting Skills

Naturally the question on everyone's mind is, why come out with the truth now?

"I guess there's two reasons," said Pytka. "For one, I'm a critically acclaimed director. I have over fifty pieces in the New York Museum of Art. I have an Emmy and a Grammy. I've worked with Madonna, Michael Jackson, and The Beatles. And yet, I'm still not a household name. I figured this would finally push me into the spotlight." At this point, the director fluffed his flowing hair and did his signature hand to the neck pose (see picture at top).

He then continued, "Secondly, I just felt kind of bad. There was a good number of people in Hollywood who knew the truth about SJ and decided to use the same tactics to market their not-so-popular documentaries. Years later, I now see I've started an epidemic, and the American public doesn't deserve to be lied to. Maybe if I come clean, other directors will as well."

Pykta referenced a number of documentaries-turned-fictions such as: Spy Kids, Air Bud 2, Agent Cody Banks, and, more recently, Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs.

The Ex-Annex Plan Makes Everyone Angry

This post begins with a story:

Once upon a time, in 2010, there was a 17 year old high school senior who had fourth period free. She spent this hour eating lunch with friends and engaging in lively conversation (mostly about English projects and how college was going to be like, so much cooler than high school).  It was during one of these lunch room discussions that the Ex-Annex Plan was born. 

The Ex-Annex Plan remained a popular debate for many fourth periods to follow and eventually, the girl and her friends decided to write down their brilliant plan.  Fortunately, I have access to this document of controversy and ingenuity.

Mainly because I was that 17 year old girl (WHAT?? Who saw that coming??).  If the Ex-Annex Plan was our Declaration of Independence, then I am Thomas Jefferson. I was the primary author of this plan...which means by the end of this post you're going to hate me.  

I present to you excerpts of the 2010 EX-ANNEX PLAN.

To whom it may concern:

Listen up citizens. It’s time we took a stand. Against who you may ask? Against half of our nation. Let’s face it- there is no way with a country of our size that we can actually have a government for and/or by the people. Said people will never be pleased when our opinions are spread across such a wide board. Luckily for you, my esteemed group of colleagues and I have a solution called the EX-ANNEX PLAN. 

First off, the EX-ANNEX PLAN is not asking for a second Civil War. No one is seceding, we are simply kicking out twenty-five states.  This will be a peaceful divergence in all aspects.  Citizens in states which are not rejected (and those in states which are) will still be able to travel across what is now the United States with ease.  Trade relations will be amicable, provided all states (accepted and rejected) cooperate with the plan.  

And now for some of the rejected states: 

Idaho:  One of our committee members actually protested when this state was declared rejected saying, "but Idaho has the potatoes!" Yes, Idaho does have potatoes. But that's it. ALL IDAHO HAS IS POTATOES. When people think of Idaho, the first (and only) thing that comes to mind is potatoes. Potatoes people. Possibly the most boring food on the entire planet. I'm getting bored just typing potatoes so many times.  You say potato, I say BORING.  The point is, Idaho (and their potatoes) are rejected. 

Alaska:  This state is simply too far away.  Why should people living next to Russia get to vote on my president? It’s unjust! Personally, I do not believe the Alaskans will be very bothered by their rejection.  They’re so far away I’m guessing that they have been making their own rules for quite some time. 

Kansas:  Being in the region of the country titled "tornado alley" means that there are numerous tornadoes here each year. If you do not know what a tornado is, I suggest watching the movie Twister...or the Wizard of Oz. Basically, tornadoes are a health risks which rip houses off the ground and crush poor, innocent, unsuspecting witches.  Our new nation will be one in which keeping your house on the ground is encouraged (and murder is discouraged, DOROTHY).

Oregon: Everyone likes to be the best at something. Everyone likes to be 'number one' in their particular area of expertise, that is just how it is. Unfortunately, Oregon is number one in forest fires. If you’re confused let me make this simple for you- fire = bad. fire + forest = worse. 

Maine:  Yes, I know Maine is pretty. And yes I know that Maine has good lobster. But we don't need them in our country. We have to be practical people. Would I like to visit on Christmas break sometime? Sure, why not. Maine, we like you we just do not need you. I hope you understand. 

North/South Dakota: Do I really have to explain the lack of culture in the Dakotas? Dare I say it, the Dakotas are more boring than Idaho.  I don't know why anyone would live in these states unless they had a severe allergy to everything not boring.

And now for some of the accepted states: 

Montana: The natural beauty found in this state is exquisite.  THE EX-ANNEX PLAN likes pretty things, like Taylor Lautner and Chace Crawford*. (*proof we wrote this in 2010) Nevada: Nevada is home to city of Las Vegas which I believe should replace Paris as the city of love. How many drive through wedding chapels do they have in Paris? I'm guessing none. As far as culture goes, Nevada has more in one city than Idaho has in a million of its potatoes. Critics might say that this is a poor selection, but we're betting on Nevada  Connecticut: This is the richest state in the nation and people love money. THE EX-ANNEX PLAN wants to make people happy. Connecticut, congratulations on being accepted (even if it is only for your money). Pennsylvania: It gives me great joy to grant acceptance to this valuable state. Pennsylvania is the home to one of the most important industries in the United States of America. I shudder to think how the nation would cope without it. As you have most likely already guessed I am referring to Hershey's Chocolate. The people have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness (also known as chocolate). Mississippi: There is not a single child who goes through elementary school without learning how to spell Mississippi.  Even as I type the state's name I feel a sort of pride that I am one of the elite who manages to spell it correctly.  Moving on, there is a popular phrase in Alabama: "Thank God for Mississippi."  This phrase refers to the fact that no matter how bad your state seems, no matter how low you are ranked in demographics, Mississippi will have you beat. Someone has to be at the bottom and Mississippi does it with grace.  Minnesota: Minnesota houses the "Mall of America." Let us take a moment of silence to appreciate this......ok, now we're good. This is the BIGGEST shopping center in all of America. There are roller coasters inside. It's like heaven with price tags. Thank you Minnesota, thank you.  The moral of this story: if you want to start a heated, I mean seriously heated, debate, just pull out a map of the USA with your friends and try to kick out 25 states.  Just for fun, here's the complete list of our rejected/accepted states. Rejected states are red. Enjoy! (and please don't hate me...)  Alabama Alaska Arizona Arkansas California Colorado Connecticut Delaware Florida Georgia Hawaii Idaho Illinois Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Louisiana Maine Maryland Massachusetts Michigan Minnesota Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska Nevada New Hampshire New Jersey New Mexico New York North Carolina North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Oregon Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Carolina South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah Vermont Virginia Washington West Virginia Wisconsin Wyoming (Feel free to ask if you want our silly reasoning behind any of these rejections/acceptions)

Twitter To Release New Website For Women

By Caroline Drew

There are clothing stores, TV channels, and schools designed just for women. Recently, Bic made a splash by marketing a line of pens for the gentler sex. Now internet moguls are jumping into the ring of gender exclusive products. For the first time ever, there's going to be a Twitter strictly for women.

"It all started when I happened to watch the movie Legally Blonde," stated Twitter co-founder, Jack Dorsey, "I thought I was watching a documentary called Legally Blind- we were planning to create a twitter for the blind...but this was so much better!"

"Elle Wood made me realize that females have their own needs, skills, and prowess. A co-ed social media website just doesn't cover it!"

Jack Dorsey, Twitter Co-Founder and Visionary for Women

The new only-for-women Twitter, to be called "Glitter," will launch this fall.

"On Glitter you won't Tweet, you'll sparkle!" gushed Dorsey. And that's not all that's changing. Dorsey revealed that Glitter will not use the pound sign for  the popular "hashtag" function. In its place, site members will use the lesser known, but certainly more girly, tilde.

The Glitter site's catchphrase 

But will Glitter be accepted by the female community? State congressman and self-appointed "Lady Expert" Ted James gave some insight on the new site.

"This is just the outlet our women need: a place to talk about their lady issues. Things like lady haircuts, lady jewelry, and lady undergarments. I suppose they could even post about their uh...well, um...you know...that time of the, uh, well-" James could not bring himself to finish his sentence, but this reporter believes he was attempting to say "their time of the month."

Lady Expert, Ted James

Research shows that young males are also excited about the launching of Glitter. Local high schoolers, Trey Reed and Ryan Farmer, can't wait for the new site. When told the news, Reed exclaimed:

"They're getting a girl Twitter? Finally!" Farmer merely smiled and wiped a tear from his eye. The two male youths explained that they are tired of having their Twitter feed clogged up with "the same old girl stuff."

After looking into the matter, it turns out this "same old girl stuff" is more specific than you might imagine. It seems that there are three types of Tweets females compose.

1) The Tag Everyone: This Tweet is used by women to let everyone know who they are with/going to see/miss/love a lot.

2) The I Don't Care: Girls write these Tweets to boast about some vice they are partaking in, and the fact that they just don't care. #fearless

3) The I'm Sad And You Should Know: This is when a girl writes, in a short 140 characters, about some ambiguous situation and/or person who's really bumming her out. Lyrics/quotes are extremely common.

Exciting features that Glitter users can look forward to:
- The sparkle font will be Curlz MT
- ~girlsnight will always be trending
- The Tweet's 140 character count will be upped to 500 for Sparkles
- No Boys Allowed

Glitter will use special technology software to ensure that no males are allowed to register. The site is expected to launch this September.

(disclaimer: This is all in fun! Unfortunately, there will be no Glitter coming out in September ~sad)

Wake Forest University Edged Out Of Top 25 Spot by Monsters U

By Caroline Drew

Wake Forest University has frequently been ranked at the bottom of the top, so to speak, but now their era of almost-excellence has come to an end. This past week, US News released a new set of rankings, placing Wake Forest out of the top 25 schools. Who's taking their spot? None other than Monsters University. 

"Usually we wait until late August, or September to release our rankings," stated US News writer, Lisa McNeil, "but after finding out about Monsters U, we knew we had to act fast."

Apparently, for a staff members birthday party, McNeil and many other US News reporters went to see the new Pixar film. They came for laughs, but they left impressed. 

US News Staff watching Monsters U

"It's truly an exceptional institution of learning," said McNeil. "Sure, it's not perfect, but it definitely deserves to be in the top 25." 

Naturally, Wake Forest students, alumni, and faculty were none too happy about this decision. Student tour guide, Danny Cunningham, was particularly upset. 

"What am I supposed to say on my tours now? 'Wake Forest is proud to be a top 26 school?' We pay 50 thousand dollars a semester  and we can't even beat out an animated university?"

When questioned about what gave Monsters U the leg up over Wake, McNeil offered some insight. First off, she referenced the diversity factor: 

"Wake Forest is 80% Caucasian. At MU, they don't even have white people. Heck, they don't even have people! Their student body has almost every kind of monster in the world: one-eyed or two-headed, fluffy or scaley. Any monster would feel like they had a community here." 

Just a sampling of the diverse MU student body

Secondly, McNeil compared the social lives of the two campuses. Though less total fraternities and sororities, MU's campus features a Greek Row. "This allows for more on-campus functions," explained McNeil, "which is always safer. At Wake Forest, they only offer the fraternities and sororities 'lounges.' These lounges are basically the basements of dorm buildings which include tile floor, low ceilings, and one, maybe two, bathroom stalls." 

A MU fraternity house

A WFU fraternity lounge

Finally, McNeil discussed Monster University's top notch Scare Program.  After pointing out that it was the absolute best in the country, she then highlighted the fact that in comparison WFU's Business school is found at the not-so-impressive #47 slot. "You can't argue with numbers like that," said McNeil. 

Dr. Nathan O'Hatch, President of Wake Forest, was eventually reached for comment. When asked about the new rankings he said, "I don't know what you're talking about! My school is number 17!" After minutes of discussion, he realized we were not talking about Notre Dame and neglected to say anything further. 

A few MU/WFU demographics compared

All above information was found from their respective websites:  http://www.wfu.edu/ and http://monstersuniversity.com/edu/index.html. 

(disclaimer: I could not love WFU more-- this was all in fun, and as you probably know, Monsters U is not a real school...also Wake is technically ranked #27 in the US News rankings, with two schools tied at 1, and two other schools tied at 24)

Emotions with Dad

Let me just preface this by saying my dad is a very kind person who is not, though this post might lead you to believe otherwise, a robot leading a man’s life.

That being said, he’s not exactly what I would call “emotional.”

My dad’s outlook on life and the role our feelings play in it is a little…dry.  One of my favorite moments at our dinner table was when my little brother was complaining about the crushing pressures of school work combined with chores around the house. My dad responded with,

“Well son, life’s tough. And then you die.”

I think Hallmark just found a new card don’t you?

My dad also has a unique approach to movies. Mark Drew’s criteria for a well-made film:

•           An ample number of explosions/guns/other harm-inducing weapons
•           Suspense of some kind (otherwise, he will be sleep in 15 minutes)
•          No animation whatsoever
•           Romance not needed, but it can be present if it all works out in the end
•           Which leads us to our final point, NOTHING SAD CAN HAPPEN.

My dad does not want to have his heartstrings pulled upon or even lightly tapped.  This isn't because sad movies truly move him, it's because he finds it unnecessary.   Who would pay money to watch something that makes them sad? That's just bananas.

 For example, my parents went to see Silver Linings Playbook, which most people agreed was one of the best movies this year. My dad’s review?

“Oh gosh, I hated it. It was depressing.  Everyone was unhappy. Why would I want to go watch a bunch of unhappy people for an hour and a half?”

“But Dad,” I said, tearing up just thinking about the movie, “it was a beautiful expression of the defiantly optimistic human condition reflected against the trials of mental illness.”

...Okay fine, I don’t talk like that in real life. My real response was something more like “But dad, it was so good! And the acting was really good too! And, I mean, everyone thinks it’s good. Like everyone.”

Ah, such eloquence.

Here are some imagined, yet possible, reviews by my dad of other beloved movies:

The Notebook: "They ended up together and then they die. Why did I even watch that?"

Finding Nemo: "It was a cartoon about fish. I fell asleep in the credits."

Braveheart: "Pretty good except the main guy died in the end. I could have stopped watching it before that and liked it better."

Any of the Die Hard movies: "Great flick. I'd watch it again."

Shockingly enough, when it comes to interactions with real people my dad likes to keep it light and impersonal.

Last night at dinner he explained that “When someone asks you how you’re doing, that is not an invitation to tell them your life story.”

The conversation went on like this:

 “Why even ask then?”

“Because it’s polite.”

“Okay but what if someone isn’t fine? What if you ask how they’re doing and they have a malignant tumor? What are they supposed to say, ‘Everything’s great thanks for asking!”

“Why would you tell someone you have a malignant tumor?? That doesn't make any sense!”

My mother, as those who know her might have guessed, was taken aback by all of this. You see, when my mom asks someone how they’re doing, she hopes they share their life story. Whether it’s her sister or the cashier at the grocery store, there is nothing she’d rather do then talk with them for hours about the weird pain in their left leg or their high school volleyball coach who passed away last week (It’s a hard loss, but we all have to go through it).

“Honey,” she said, “you better tell your coworkers not to respond with actual answers then, because they probably have no idea what you think about this.”

My dad shook his head knowingly, “Don’t worry, I’ve learned my lesson there.”

Though not at all plausible, I like to imagine my dad calling a firm wide meeting. He’d be at the front of a business-y business meeting room (you’ve seen the TV shows), with a power point presentation ready to go. With some handy-dandy internet magic, I have attached the imagined presentation here: 

Mark Drew's Business-y Business Presentation for Business People

(Excuse the clip art on the last slide, but I couldn't help myself. I'm an art enthusiast, what can I say?)

The truth is, my dad just sees emotional issues as a private affair. Against all odds, he still managed to raise a daughter who cries watching life alert commercials.  

To reiterate, my dad really is a nice person. And hey, if he ever asks you how you are, I encourage you to say whatever you like! In fact, here’s a challenge: the person who can give my dad the longest, saddest, most personal response to a “how are you?” gets a prize.

I can’t reveal what the prize is now, but it rhymes with schmuthing and looks like the words “no” and “thing” but just a little different!

p.s. About the guy in the banana costume, I know what you're thinking and yes, I did think about adding a picture of bananas in pajamas instead. In fact, here's a picture of that dashing duo now, just for good measure: 

Prepping for Abroad

If you are connected with me on any sort of social media, then you know that I am spending my next semester of college in Prague.

Some of you might be thinking: What about people that are just connected with you in real life? Are you addicted to your computer? Are you one of those people who has weird yellow-y, translucent skin because you've replaced your time in the sun with time in front of fluorescent screens?

For the record, I am currently less pale than usual (not dark enough to say tan), and come on- who has face-to-face conversations these days? What is this, 2009?

But I digress.  I am studying abroad in Europe this fall and I want to make sure that come August I am ready to completely immerse myself into the Czech culture. As soon as I step off the plane, I will shrug off any traces of my American identity and become a Bohemian-chameleon.  I've heard many a tale about “rude, loud, obnoxious Americans” who study abroad.  Well, those students clearly didn't prepare like me. Every bit of my persona, from my lack of eye contact to my dark, leathery clothes, will mark me as one of them. Or, as I will soon be saying, one of us.

Hahahahahaha, sorry, I just started laughing because the idea of that happening is just silly. I am a born and raised American. I’m from Alabama, no less.  Europeans will be able to spot me from a mile away.  I don’t have enough black in my wardrobe to last me more than a couple of days.  As for being loud, I’m pretty sure my whisper is the equivalent of a European stage voice (“Say it like your grandmother is in the back row!”).

My inability to transform into a Euro-chic version of myself does not mean I will stomp around in neon colored overalls demanding a cheeseburger and fries...at least not unless I’m really hungry. It's just that people keep giving me tips on how to blend in, and let’s be honest: that’s a battle I’m destined to lose. 

I’ve tried this kind of thing before.  When I’m at school, I study at this coffee shop, Camino's, which is very hipster and trendy.  It is a hot spot for twenty somethings who wear those sock-like hats which hang a little off of your head (picture at bottom). I  often felt the judgmental stares radiating off of my non-ironic t-shirts. Finally, I decided to take destiny in my own hands. I arrived wearing skinny jeans, a flannel shirt, converse shoes, and had replaced my backpack with a side satchel.  Everything was working perfectly until my Mumford and Sons ringtone started blasting.  This was a dead giveaway. We all know that true hipsters will have nothing to do with Mumford. Nothing says “try-hard” like a bunch of guys with banjos wearing suspenders (Hey Mumford and Sons, I know you read this blog, and I just wanted to say I think you’re super talented and will continue to be a fan…until the Lumineers come out with another album).

The moral of the story is this: Don’t try to hide who you are, unless you’re good at it.  

I have heard about some American students who, whence studying abroad, will tell people they are Canadian.  I am a little tempted to try this out, but then not so much because this is how I imagine that conversation: 

Dominik: Hallo. I am Czech. Vhere are you from?

Me: Oh hello there! I’m actually from Canada. Better than the States, eh?

Dominik: I do not know about that but you seem nice. You and I vill be friends.

Me: Actually, I lied. I am American. But now you know how you really feel about me.

Dominik: So you’re a liar? Ve cannot be friends.

Dominik walks away.

Me: So just because I’m American you think it’s ok to be rude! Real mature you litte European-

Bystander: Think about it.

Me: ....ooooh. 

Bystander: Yep.

Me: Hey, do you want to be friends?

Bystander: Are you kidding me? You’re an American.

Bystander walks away.

And that  is why I'm studying abroad with other Americans. They have to like me. That's how it works. 

I promise, I will be trying to prepare myself for my five months abroad. I am starting to take Czech lessons soon, or as I refer to it, The Language Without Vowels. Wish me luck! Or as they say in Czech- Krfpst nvlyf ris*.

<< anyone else notice how hipsters wear these hats year round?

*Not real Czech

** did you notice I used the word ‘whence’ in this post? Intellectual is my middle name. Just kidding, my middle name is actually English Major with a Superiority Complex.